Everything was in placed.
Everything was meant to be.

Meant to be.
It wasnt just a saying but the truth.
It had to turn ugly into order to become beautiful.
In my perspective everything was perfect, it was everything I wanted.
But God saw, saw what could be better. He saw what that is perfect in His eyes and not in mine.
I blame the mess but it's was 'uglily beautifully' made.
He turn it upside down to transfigure it to be even more beautiful.
A beauty I have not known of but to lean and trust in Him in it.

He saw what I couldnt see.
He knew what I couldnt understand.

But I will lean into it.

Because this ugly mess isnt really a mess, it's work of beauty.
A process while the beauty will be born.
During this process of waiting it's a stage of development, a stage to grow and be better.

In order to be on par with the beauty that lies ahead.

Suddenly God has opened my eyes to another level of understanding.

Everything made sense.

'Leave it to me to work on him.'

Yes, the more impossible it seems the greater the miracle would be.

'God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole.'
For something to be beautiful it has to be destructed and construct again in new growth. Pain is just a part of it.
Just like a muscle that has to tear to grow and develop into a more beautiful structure.

Thank you Lord.


03.12.16

不知不觉看回了我们的信息.. 差别好大.. 我真的很坏 很残忍 真的很贱 嘴巴好他妈的贱 很讨厌自己那么恶心 你不理会我也是应该的 我一直觉得为什么我们不能回去像以前一样 觉得为什么你不能原谅我 看回去也觉得自己太厚脸皮觉得自己有资格被原谅 真的很对不起 以前所说的话 我知道我不能回去了 我知道你不原谅我是应该的 我这种态度那么恶心 谁想跟回我做朋友吧对吗？真的觉得自己很过分 我知道这一切也已经是个过去 也没什么好说了 只是看回去真的觉得自己很欠打 想和你道歉 你不必原谅 我明白的 我也不值得被原谅

可是还是很感谢你对我的好 虽然现在一切
只是个回忆罢了 但是还是很感激

很伤心失去了你 都在等着我你找我 可是看回 你根本没原因找我 我根本没必要在你的世界了

我一直很想要像以前那样 我可以跟你厚脸皮的说 ，但我明白你不管这一切

可是我真的很后悔 而且一直想把事情变好回来 可是我真的不懂我能真么办 我该怎么办才好 ，你可以告诉我吗

我觉得我很羞耻 可是我真的不懂要做什么了


01.03.16

You werent fond of reading but you read all the words I've type to you.
Words I meant to share with you.
Just like how you meant the world to me.

I wished you were lazy to read the message I typed when I vent out my ungratefulness.
I have never said such things to anyone before.
But it wasnt something anyone would want to ever received.

I really thought I was over it but damn.. It just felt like yesterday when we went for movies together.
All the memories were so vivid and clear in my head.

I kept playing it cool and act really happy everyday but going home lying in bed in this silents I finally got to be myself again.
I kept crying and asking God to give me strength.

You told me he was immature that he was too young to understand love.
You told me he was heartless for saying the things to me.
I thought you werent like the rest.
But you gave up on me as well.

You took part of me and left,
all I got from you was a sticky note to pass me back my book.
It was nothing but it meant so much right now.
She told me we had the same handwriting it scared me awhile when I realize how similar it was.

I put it on my room table just so I could see it in the morning,
something that seems more alive than anything.
I kept the gift you gave even though it couldnt be used anymore.

I think Ive gotten overboard falling for you.

You prove to me you werent heartless and I believed you.
But now you just left me here proving everything wrong.

I really want us back like how it was, changing things to be better.
Giving space and time.
But why cant you leave me assured and not awkward.

I dont know why this pain wont be gone, I rather it be numb forever.

I have reached a point, I dont plan to move on or be close with anyone anymore.

I clearly wouldnt meet anyone like you in the future,
its funny how you have hurt me so much but I still want you so badly.
Am I crazy?
Ive seen your good and bad but it has never changed how I felt.
But you saw the ugly side of me and left immedielty.

I never thought I would really meet a real life version of you.
I never thought it was possible to know someone like you.
Everything ended so soon.
It felt like a long time but there goes my three months of happiness.

I play the songs you gave me everyday
&
I miss you so much.

01.02.16

Hey there, how are you? Its been really awhile. It's funny how things has become isn't it? Well if you even care. I thought as time goes by I would be over it but it didnt work. It was still there. You were stuck in my mind throughout the day until I fall asleep. Get out of there please? Its a terrible feeling. I started telling the whole world about what happened between us. Such a bad habit. No one gets it. They didnt see the need of why it has to be this way. It was unnecessary. But it happened anyway.

I watched a film called 'Before we go' it's by Chris Evans. It was a very simple storyline but so much nostalgic feeling behind it. But maybe thats how it is when you like somebody. Watching any romance movie makes you think of that person I guess. But it did remind me of us, nothing much but so much conversation going on. Just stories after stories. Its pretty good movie though the rating was bad. Lol.. I thought you might like the soundtrack, theres pretty good ones worth to download. You can check them on youtube theres a playlist. 'Before we go soundtrack' I thought you might appreciate them.

I really want to have a good chat with you. I have been hanging out with many friends but nothing compares to having a conversation with you. Sounds like I'm doomed. I miss you. But I wouldn't look for you anymore until you do. Well if you ever remember me. You don't want me to annoy your peaceful life anyway. I apologise for being a nuisance. It sucks we cant even be acquaintance now. Anyway, I still keep you in my every prayer.

Even though I was mad and said all those mean things about you. Youre probably pissed off but to be honest, those things I think you are but it never changed how I felt for you. In fact it's probably why I was fond for you. No ones perfect. But if thats not who realy arw why didnt you prove to me that you're not. Why didnt you show me that you do care right? Maybe I'm blinded but if I am I rather be blind forever.


Hope we could have a meal someday in the future, idiot.

Knowing that im waking up every morning feeling like part of me was missing but realising that he doesnt feel the same way, the fact that he's probably enjoying his peaceful life makes me feel like I am short changing myself. I can look at it in a two way, he didnt care and maybe I deserve better, I should have a men that values me to a point he cant lose me. But if I look at it at another way because call me skeptical but when I hear about this sentence 'You deserve a better man.' *Roll eyes*
Because that's the most common comforting words people use. So Looking at another perspective, yes he made me better person, he made me realise a lot of things. But was I doing the same for him? Was my existence making him be better? If not, why?

People are afraid to lose the people around them because of how that person affect them so much in their life but some doesnt feel it because you werent an impact in their life.
Then this made more sense to me.

That's why I believe I should wake up with a purpose & that's to be better than I was before. It wasnt about the empty heart anymore but a mission that reminds me that today, Im going to improve myself.

& Im very bless to have this platform that obviously enables me to improve so much as a human being, as a lady. So that in the future I am able to support and help my man & vice versa.

Throughout those journey, it was a short journey but it was good times. I never felt like this before, I was actually happy & comfortable around him? The fact that the things he actually did for me was pretty surprising. It's probably a big move for him even though people would probably think it's nothing much but i appreciate the things he did. But I didnt did much. I wanted to ask him about how he was, how was his day, where he was. But it somehow just doesnt seem to make sense to ask. I keep giving distance. I felt that maybe he wouldn't want me to ask those question either. So much of holding back, I had a chance but I never said a word but right now I will never get a chance to anymore. Everything was just 'If only' But I guess this are lessons I learn now. At least I learn right?


God knew what to do, He closed the door for a chance for me to be a better person. He closed the door so I can spend my love with God. When will He open the door again? I do not know but I have to admit I do dream of that door to open again.

But I just need to be better. I'm 21 this year & I'm far from being what a 21 should be. I need to grow up, mature myself & have more achievements in life.

I guess in bad situation there's always a good reason behind it.


17.01.16

As her heart beats, anxiety pumped through her vessel passing through her mind causing her to become delusional. Panicking over small little situation, breathing heavily, looking at the screen on her phone as people around her turn their backs against her, telling her to stop, told her to forget it.

'It's ruining you, I cant let that happen.'

How they believe in their thoughts, taking things into their own hands because they think it's the only way to protect me. Without knowing it hurt me more than anything. Betraying me with their own believe.


'You deserve better' & what is it that I deserve? Betrayal?


I looked around me and wondered whats real and whats not. It became so confusing. I didnt want to turn to you but I couldnt help it. As I waited, waited for a respond, I went mentally insane. Here I was again, panic attack.
Back when the time I freaked out at the side on the road crying because the cars scares me. They were moving so fast, I wasnt sure what I was suppose to do. I just sat there and cry. Breathing heavily wondering what's happening to me. Why I couldnt take it. Rachel breathe, calm down. You're okay. You overcome this before. Dont be freak out over this attack. Look up. Dont let your tears fall anymore.


Anxiety strikes as it made me want to scream. Even those tv drama couldnt distract me. Then it happen. Spiting out words of hurt &; ugliness. It's funny how actions of concern turn into words of anger. I got mad about everything. I hated my existence. Then reality strikes, this time I didnt make the stand. He did. Just when I thought no one could stop me but he could.
I could never find him ever again. My dad's wish has turn into reality. He proved my dad right & I hated it. Why someone keep making them think they're right when they werent.
I realise everything doesnt mean anything anymore. Another essay will only send me to hell. But he'll never know the truth. Maybe he doesnt even need it because he doesnt care anyway.
My existence didnt matter & it was best I was out of his life. I kept ruining his life. I broke his peace, I broke my pride. Everything was broken. There it was our last conversation. So much words but so much silents.


Nothing's fair.
Someone will lose, someone will gain.
Cycle of life.


I was mad & I burn him down, He was mad but he didnt burn me down. He just left. Left in stress & pain.


I just wanted a hug & know that everything is going to be okay.


You just wanted to be alone,
You didn't want people to disturb your peaceful life.
You didn't like people intruding into your zone.

You could have just told me you were stressed out.
You could have let me know you wanted to be alone.
I would have given you time.
I would have given you space.


I didnt knew & I didnt knew I wasnt suppose to count on you when in times of trouble.
I didnt knew that I wasnt suppose to believe in you.
I didnt knew that I wasnt suppose to see you as someone I could share my good and bad.
I didnt knew that.


What's done is done.


I will always keep you in prayer.



You've always been a good friend.
Even though this argument was an incident that shouldn't have happen but you made me realise how much has been going on in your life. How stress you were. How you need your own space to breathe. How you just needed time to think. I was just impatient & mean. How this has been affecting you but you act like it was nothing. How much you have conceal yourself. But Im glad you manage to let it out. I hope you felt better after saying it out. I wanted to meet you & ask you how were you doing but I didnt had the chance to. I was so consume with my problems I didnt ask you anymore but those last words, It brought me to a smile. It brought me to comfort.


Whatever it is I hope you come to a realisation & reflect about everything. Ive been worrying for you but I know God will take good care of you (:

Remember God is always there waiting for you, learn to lean on Him, trust in Him, leave your trouble to Him, let Him guide you through.

Remember those message He pass to you through me, those scriptures He gave you too. Look back at them, take them seriously & find the purpose He has for you.


Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”


01.12.16