Maybe I just don't fit to have one.
Or like one.
When they turn out to be all the same.
Ha.
Maybe that's the way they are.
Or maybe they just move on because of they way I think.
I know I'm a difficult person.
Ha.

All this. I was at fault.

I wasn't mad.
Just hurt to know that that trust is gone.
But didn't know how to express.
Tears wasn't the answer.
Rachel kept scolding me if I cried.
I kept holding on.
She told me it's not worth it.
She kept calling me weak when tears filled up my eyes.
You should scold her not me.
But then again,
She was right anyway.

I guess too much excuse in the past has caused it.
I don't blame you.
But thanks for not believing in me.
More reason to prove.
I've change.
But you'll never get it.
I'm fine with that.
Because it's not important about what you think anymore.
It doesn't matters anymore.
I'm cool with that.

The reason I go to that path because I know what I'm good at and I wanna to work on it.
Only way I won't feel so useless.

She got nothing nice to say that's all.
All the things that came out from her mouth is just negative stuff.
If you realize.
She doesn't see the good in people.
Or maybe I have nothing good in me.
Or maybe just maybe,
She's a bitch.

I learn a new thing today.
You don't need to cut your wrist to feel better.
Cutting your hair is better.
It doesn't hurt.
And it will grow out sooner or later.
If you cut your wrist there will be a scar.

By the way before I end this,
You didn't owe me a living but trust.

Went to Jakarta and Bali this holiday. How was it? Great, I guess. Pretty messed up feeling when I was there. Have lots of thoughts going in my head. Lots of it. Kept thinking kept dreaming. Looking outside the window. Felt like a ghost walking around. Ghost doesn't seem to be the right word. An empty shell would be better.

Walking around and when people turn and stare, Sometimes I wonder was it my hair? Or something wrong with me? But the answer was easy. One word. Insecure. Ya, I always am.

Walking around, looking around. All I see was unfamiliar faces. Some stared at me a few times so I looked at them in the eyes. And there was nothing.

Kept trying and hoping to get to know someone there. Maybe I was feeling insecure. I wanted to know someone and to be known.

Walking around laughing talking bullshyt. Saying all those random stuff and just keep laughing. She asked me was I okay. The truth is I wasn't. Laughter was the best medicine. I believe in that. It really help me to forget many things.

Of course you can only run. But you can't hide from it.

Holiday was great. It was really a great escape. But my troubles never really left. But it made me forget them once in awhile. But I would say going on a holiday was addictive. I wanted more. I wanted to go on to the next plane than home. Just kept going around and explore.

Stayed home to much. I needed to see the outside world. Know what's really going on there than only to imagine all the false image in my head.

Came back home. And here I am sitting on front of the computer. That's the only thing I know? Sometimes I wonder. I cant' go out. So I tried. I didn't use the computer and went to my room. I was blank. I got nothing to do. I didn't even feel like touching my guitar.

Feel so useless.