I couldn't say what I want.
I'm known to be rude.
I only make you mad.
I cant be good.
I become a rotten kid.
I wasn't that perfect girl you saw anymore.

That's what you see in me.

You're worried.
You're disappointed.

I kept trying to defend myself but saying it out loud just doesn't seem right.
It's like defending would be "rude" again.
I just had to stay silent.

I was not listening properly.
I was not paying attention.

I just say what I think and did not mean to hurt anyone.
I'm sorry about my face,
face problem. (laughs) i miss you guys.
Anyway,
I'll try to talk with a smile.
I'm sorry im just replying your questions and Im sorry about my look.
I'm sorry this is my face.

Sometimes I just choose to not say anything anymore,
I'm tired of it.
Whenever I say something you guys just go
'why are you so rude?'
And im like woah what. I really didnt mean to be rude, i feel so sad.
but what can i do? whenever i defend boom. I'm still wrong.
What am i suppose to do?

I feel like so under controlled right now.
I rather not speak.
I rather not be where you are.

And she had to say things to make me  like a bad guy.
I can't.
I dont understand.
I.

I'm sorry.
I just it doesn't matter if im innocence I will just apologize.

I'm sorry I can't express how I feel to you guys.
What i want. What I think.
Whenever I say it.
I'm wrong. I'm a rebel. I'm..
I don't know what to say.

I kept telling myself if  I dont say what i like , whats my interest, what I like.
How would you guys know?
And all those wrong thoughts and thinking about me.
I cant be going uh no thats not true.
I dont know.
I just hope things will work out.

Because I'm tired of breaking down.
And all I could do is ask God what i did
what did say
was i really wrong
crying like a kid.

Looking at that girl in the mirror,
tears rolling down.
red face.
just looking at her.
I ask her
Are you rude
What did you do this time
you changed?
she wipe her tears off her face
and told me,
no i didnt.
I just talk more now.
I'm still me.

I felt bad for her.
I felt bad for me.

For being so timid.
For not speaking out.
For not saying how I feel.
For not expressing my interest.
For not being honest.

I wanna give that girl in mirror a hug,
tell her tomorrow will be better.
but i couldn't hug her.
She just look at me and cry.
She needed care.
She envy the loved.
But.
Shes too ego to admit she needs it.
She choose to think and say she can do it on her own.
She say trust no man.
She thinks it's all bullshyt.
She's just afraid that they would be scared of her.
She likes to think
'it wouldnt last so dont start it.'
Now she has nothing but empty memories that was kept for years.

She knows she has to pick herself up and believe that good man arent extinct.
She had to get up and start drawing and designing again.
Earn some ching ching and wear that bling bling.
Shine bright inside out.
You want something you have to work hard for it.
Dont be that pathetic girl.
You're more than that.
What you lose was not a mistake.
You deserve better.
You always say that remember?
"why arent you in a relationship till now?' 'Because I haven't met anyone that deserve me.'
Remember that kid? yeah She's still in there.
It's okay if they think you're rude someone out there will know you're not and just keep doin ya thing'.

I'll just keep doing what I should do and I know I can do well.
I'm gonna get my foundation after I get my result.
I'll work hard and stand out I wont be that kid sitting at that last number anymore.
Ive been drawing since I dont remember when.
I'll do well.

God has been really nice to me.
I really thank God for that.
First miracle for me this year was,

Last year 2012 when i was in mel,
sounds silly but I prayed like a kid every night,
"Jesus, I wanna meet KwonJiYong aka Gdragon in 2013. I know i will because you say asked and it shall be giving to you. I have asked and I have received it.  And I know it will happen."
I kept saying it.
In 2013 Jan 15 Tuesday.
I saw Gd.
I made a trip up to kl to see him.
I saw him I passed my card and gift to him.
I stood beside him it was so near.
 Sounds silly right?
But God is this powerful.
You believe declare and it shall be done.
faith.
All you need is faith.

It can be other things in life.

HE's there just call out to him.
He's waiting for you (;

peace out.