Dying.

I really don't know how to survive this year.
Every time I think that it's going to be smooth I would start worry like some crazy old women.
Things doesn't really need to be this heard right?
I'm so worried.
And the fact that im grounded I can't go anywhere to release it.
So many things I wanna do to let it out but I'm not allowed too.
Sometimes I wonder am I killing myself.
With all the dreams and thoughts.
It's actually not that nice when you have so much faith and dreams about all the things you want to achieve.
I wanna go surfing and feel the waves.
I don't want to just sit here and watch a bunch of videos, I feel like I'm killing myself.
I wanna go skate to the skate park, I thought of it ever since I saw it but all I can do is sit in the car and pass by the same place again and again. And watch the people play.
It's really not fair at all.
It hurts to know you can only dream of it.
But I can't feel it.
It's like trying to grab hold of something in front of you yet you cant reach it.
It's really frustrating.
And being alone all the time it's so hard.
Sometimes I just wish someone can give me a hug and tell me it's okay the wait is worth it.
I wanna feel that joy in my heart. That joy that you can't help but smile. You can't hide it.
It's been awhile since I sincerely laugh and smile to something.
My heart is so farking heavy.
Whenever I call out to Jesus, it only makes me worst. I start crying.
I don't want to cry.
I don't even know why am I tearing.
Is my life really that pathetic?
Well, maybe.

Tell me it will be okay. Whoever you are.
Well maybe it wouldn't even work.


I just need.
something.

7:53 PM 0 PERMALINK

Stop lying to yourself.

I can't let anyone in when it's not ready to face anybody.
No one in particular but it's afraid.
So I'll protect it.
It will be empty but this is the only way it won't get hurt.
It's my responsibility to guard it,
so that's what I'll do.

I don't want to see you anywhere.
I don't want to be near you.
I don't want to look into your eyes.
I don't want you to look into my eyes.
I don't want to admit it,

But it's everything that I honestly want. 

6:38 AM 0 PERMALINK

2013

I just wanna go straight to 2013.
I think this explains more than enough.

This year is going to be:
stressful
boring
painful
moody
tiring
killer.

No wait I'll kill it first.

2012 you can kiss mah ass.
I'm gonna show you how I'm gonna do it.
Nothing is going to be my obstacles.

Watch me 2012.



 Urgh whatever grounded? It's okay. It's just a year right?


     ***

Is it weird that I like your eyes? 
ha-ha
okay it's nothing much but it's really nice.
Nah it's not really nice.
Okay maybe I shouldn't look into your eyes.
Mah bad.
But you shouldn't stare like that!
But hey not your fault right.
Okay.
Here I am being an idiot again.
I don't even know you.
Okay, maybe I'm just jealous of your eyes. 
Enough said.
Ewwwww...
BUT SERIOUSLY! 
okay nuf rach. 
But hey thanks.
I felt awful at first but then safe after. 
Ah-hah.




4:52 AM 0 PERMALINK