it consume your thoughts.
it consume your heart.

its delusional.
its like a poison that haunts you.
deceive you,
like a beautiful rose covered with thorns.

You wouldnt know until it eats you.
By time you realize its already too late.

It touch you physically,
kills you emotionally.
That electrifying feeling that goes down your spine.
That makes you goes into tears.

Holding back wondering whats going on.

Its the risk you want to take,
its killing you softly but you dont want to let go.
In fact it's like a drug that makes you want more.

Grabbing it not wanting to let it go,
because it's something that makes you feel whole.

It's one of those things you cant calculate,
you wouldnt understand,
no one can phantom that feeling in you.

It's everything you wish you never come across,
you wish you didnt had it.

But it consumed you,
it owned you without a permission.
Placing a part in your heart,
the pain makes you know you're alive.
the joy makes you realize you could be happy.
the trouble makes you feel the adrenaline.
the chaos makes you conscious that you want to win this fight.

They say you will never understand until you got it.

Is this a blessing or a curse?
Is this just a road im passing by?
or this could be something new.

The fear of stepping into something new.
The fear of not knowing what could happen.

It makes you scared,
it makes you doubt everything.

This danger you're willing to cross doesnt give you the guarantee.
Even if it does it doesnt seems convincing.

Trust.
Comes to the picture.
Trust.
how much can you trust?
Trust.
How true could it be?
Trust.
The step of faith yet trouble.

Pain.
it doesnt go numb.
Pain.
how much your willing take.

You consume it all,
you thought so,
but the truth is it consumed you.

And you took the bait and feel like it doesnt matter if this go wrong.
because it's everything you want though,
you wish never had it in the first place.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to wake up and feel good.
I just want to be appreciated.
I just want to be hugged.
I just want to be love.
I just want to be comforted.

It's that too much to ask for?
It's that too much to be crave for?
It's that too much to have?

Sometimes it's not about being understood,
sometimes it's just about being loved.

Always trying to fulfil people's need and help.
Yet no one is there to help you when you need it.
No one cared.
They only remember your existence when they need you.

Does that make me a failure as a living being or did they fail to understand the definition of friends.

Yeah, I can go on by.
Everyone could.
The only thing is whether it's a good one or a bad one.

Why cant I cross by a living being that would actually be blinded and think I'm actually worth having.
When can I ever be cleared by my blinded vision.
What can make someone actually realize my needs.

How can I stop being a selfish bitch that cares too much of her own emotion.

Everything just came in place.
Everything seems so close.
Everything should have been.

But it couldnt,
that obstacle didnt stop you.
But it did for me.

I could have,
I should have.

But it wasn't right.
I didnt want to make it happen this way.

I cant seem to go with that.
Stealing someone's happiness for my own just doesn't seem right.
Will that even become a real bliss?
I doubt so.

I didnt want to be a stealer,
I didnt want to be a flirt,
I didnt want to be a loser.

But,
I felt my happiness is being stolen when i'm being apart,
I felt my wisdom is killing me from what I need,
I felt my possession losing away from me.

Whats right and whats wrong when a little bit wrong can get a little right.

Everything was suppose to be right yet I see so many mistake filling up my mind.

I knew where this was going but I didnt want to stop.
I knew where this would lead but I wanted more.

Staying away will never a\happen.
Getting hurt isn't an option.

I tried not to fall.
I told myself this is the last call.

I havent blog since forever.

Ive been busy tryna get my life right which is obviously I have no idea what's been going on.

I didnt have the thought of blogging about anything.

You know that feeling that you need to pour out all your feelings and excitement or frustrations.

The good thing that you just need to share it out and the bad things that you need to pour it all out.

My mind is so occupied now.
Mostly about my assignments and that smile I received lately.
So stupid,
so silly.
I cant believe I wasnt over it.

I dont want to call it coincident anymore.
It was all intended.
My life everything that happen all has it's reason.
And yesterday was one of it that I couldn't get it out
It's tragic that it's gonna be the only scene I have to take it back with me.
I guess the best things in life is when you least expected it.

I didnt plan for it to happen.
But I guess it was just meant to be.
everything came in the right time.
Now I will just wait patiently for a moment for me to add new memories.

Tree has blossom.

Things has changed.

Being apart never been the same.

No one can replace the people ive love and met.

Some just seems to not have the right frequency.

Just not your clique.

Life just got dull.

Nothing is the same without them.

Nothing has been great, emotionally.


But i guess things had to be gone to appreciate

To love.

To remember.

To smile.

Sometimes i believe your worst times are the best times.


Giving a hug or just a smile can change someone's day.

But not many people are willing to give.

Being afraid of not getting anything in return.

Not many people realise

giving someone joy can actually make you joyful too.


Hope is what I wait for

Hope is what I hold on to

Hope is what I dream for.


People may laugh

May joke.

But I know it will happen.


I will patiently wait for it.

wait for my joy while I pass on.

Could it be possible to have a connection with someone you never talked before but just know their existence?

The world is a mysterious place filled with various type of people.
We all have heart beats but there are people whose heart beats the same.

Is there a possibility for people to feel another party even when they never met before?
If it's possible I wonder what would happen when those two look at each other in the eye, hold each other hands & share a kiss.
would it be magical?
An electrifying feeling.
I never gave my first kiss away yet but imagine maybe :
flowers would blossom,
leafs will grow greener,
the children smile becomes boarder,
seniors will forget their aches,
business man will throw their files in the air.
At that moment the world will turn slowly,
everything becomes blurry,
life would be so beautiful.

God created few soul mates for us in our life but it's our choice to choose our sole mates,
Imagine if there was two people who choose each other and spend their live together till death to them part.
Oh so lovely,
so wonderful,
so sweet.

Life can be wonderful.
It's just how you choose the right perspective of it.
It's our choice to choose.
But sometimes we blame God on our mistake.
I do think we should think it over,
He has warn us while we ignore and followed our feelings.

It's tragic,
but we humans aren't perfect and will never be on this earth.
But it takes those mistake for us to grow and to understand that fact.
Life is about growing and learning.
活到老学到老
the chinese idioms which tell us everyday we get older and everyday we learn something.

In this hopelessness,
I laugh at my enjoyable yet useless days,
where I sleep late every night thinking, hoping and imagine things that i pray and know will yet to come.
& be awaken by my sweet lovely mother's touch and voice.
Sometimes it's loud and firm that's my paps.
I cant stand him yet there's this adorable thing about him maybe he's just getting old.
But they are so sweet.
They are the reason I always lose my doubts about love not being exist.

Everyday I eat my first meal and relax till the next meal comes,
sit in front of my comp and play the guitar till my finger hurts.
Until I lose song titles I can think of,
lazing around with my sister talking about our dreams and plans that are coming soon,
waiting for a job reply,
hesitating to get a driving license,
editing my last year Melbourne trip photos,
always thinking of exercising but never doing it.

I often laugh at my poor results i have in high school,
laughing about me dropping out and waiting for my another result to apply college.
Thinking of my California dream,
a beautiful arty studio near a nice beach,
where i can surf,
walk around getting inspiration,
traveling to look for my sister,
bringing my macbook to do my clients wishes,
i probably need a dog to fill my loneliness,
bury myself with the shoes i will get and cry myself to sleep.

Or would I meet my soul mateS or just my SOLE mate?
that.
I cant be sure.

All im trying to say no matter how you think your life is,
i hope you see the positive side of it,
when you're tired imagine of the things that makes you smile,
when you cant sleep listen to songs that can calm you & tell yourself ahh rest & sleep I did well today tomorrow I will do better, good night self.
think of what i just said,
I'm sure you can do alright or better.

Put on that smile,
and I - this stranger will always
be proud of you.

peace out.

When I want something I pray for it until I get it.
I always tell myself have faith like child.
Pure heart.
Innocent believe.
Not corrupted by reality.
But,
Always have a confident like a rebel teen who DGAF about what people comment about your dream, your goals.
Pray hard, achieve, do what you need to do in order to have it.

People say Im so bless.
But why am I still living with a trouble heart?
So tired of proving.
With that I just do what I need to do.

Sometimes I do think I did great.
I would go, Hey look at me I'm pretty awesome.
But there are people in your life that mean so much too you that whatever they say is important to you.
It's hard to go yeah whatever shut up.
It's that bond, blood related that hold you back to learn to respect, love and concern.
What they say would make you take note to.
But,
Taking that note is like always taking a knife not stabbing but cutting my heart slowly.
Hurt so much that you're lost for words.
I reach a point of accepting that this is what I'm gonna get all the time.
Though I wonder & ask myself wont there be a day when they would praise you sincerely.
There's always a taste of sarcastic into it.
That make me hard to believe a good sentence.
It's not that I'm always doubtful with everything,
when I cant feel it,
it's definitely not true.

I always think it's time to express and say whats on my mind to let them know hey im grown up my thinking & interest change along with my face, height and weight.
But it's like hard for them to accept than to support.

Because of that I learn to do things on my own,
achieve on my own,
but yeah I cant live on my own yet,
I guess the fear they have was once i leave
I wouldnt miss, I wouldnt come back.
Grabbing my hands hard giving me what I want to hold me down.

Why,
why you never ever say words of encouragement or show appreciation?
I'm sorry I didnt give enough love or nicer stuff to say.
I just think it's always better to say the truth I don't feel it so dont say it.
It's like lying getting your way for love.

Love.
One word that place everyone heart to either beat faster, sink, squeeze or soothe.
It's a magic word.
But for me it make my mind go blank & quiet.

It's not that I'm cold, its just...
What I am is what the environment made me.
Since young I was a kid with less words but lots in mind.
I'm a observer analyzer logical thinker who puts emotion aside because emotion is like a alcohol that makes you loose your senses.
Avoiding will make you know
whats true & false,
what's real & what's fake.

I guess it's time I not only pray for things I wanna achieve but also pray for joy in my heart.
I guess as long God accepts me that's more than enough for me.

I couldn't say what I want.
I'm known to be rude.
I only make you mad.
I cant be good.
I become a rotten kid.
I wasn't that perfect girl you saw anymore.

That's what you see in me.

You're worried.
You're disappointed.

I kept trying to defend myself but saying it out loud just doesn't seem right.
It's like defending would be "rude" again.
I just had to stay silent.

I was not listening properly.
I was not paying attention.

I just say what I think and did not mean to hurt anyone.
I'm sorry about my face,
face problem. (laughs) i miss you guys.
Anyway,
I'll try to talk with a smile.
I'm sorry im just replying your questions and Im sorry about my look.
I'm sorry this is my face.

Sometimes I just choose to not say anything anymore,
I'm tired of it.
Whenever I say something you guys just go
'why are you so rude?'
And im like woah what. I really didnt mean to be rude, i feel so sad.
but what can i do? whenever i defend boom. I'm still wrong.
What am i suppose to do?

I feel like so under controlled right now.
I rather not speak.
I rather not be where you are.

And she had to say things to make me  like a bad guy.
I can't.
I dont understand.
I.

I'm sorry.
I just it doesn't matter if im innocence I will just apologize.

I'm sorry I can't express how I feel to you guys.
What i want. What I think.
Whenever I say it.
I'm wrong. I'm a rebel. I'm..
I don't know what to say.

I kept telling myself if  I dont say what i like , whats my interest, what I like.
How would you guys know?
And all those wrong thoughts and thinking about me.
I cant be going uh no thats not true.
I dont know.
I just hope things will work out.

Because I'm tired of breaking down.
And all I could do is ask God what i did
what did say
was i really wrong
crying like a kid.

Looking at that girl in the mirror,
tears rolling down.
red face.
just looking at her.
I ask her
Are you rude
What did you do this time
you changed?
she wipe her tears off her face
and told me,
no i didnt.
I just talk more now.
I'm still me.

I felt bad for her.
I felt bad for me.

For being so timid.
For not speaking out.
For not saying how I feel.
For not expressing my interest.
For not being honest.

I wanna give that girl in mirror a hug,
tell her tomorrow will be better.
but i couldn't hug her.
She just look at me and cry.
She needed care.
She envy the loved.
But.
Shes too ego to admit she needs it.
She choose to think and say she can do it on her own.
She say trust no man.
She thinks it's all bullshyt.
She's just afraid that they would be scared of her.
She likes to think
'it wouldnt last so dont start it.'
Now she has nothing but empty memories that was kept for years.

She knows she has to pick herself up and believe that good man arent extinct.
She had to get up and start drawing and designing again.
Earn some ching ching and wear that bling bling.
Shine bright inside out.
You want something you have to work hard for it.
Dont be that pathetic girl.
You're more than that.
What you lose was not a mistake.
You deserve better.
You always say that remember?
"why arent you in a relationship till now?' 'Because I haven't met anyone that deserve me.'
Remember that kid? yeah She's still in there.
It's okay if they think you're rude someone out there will know you're not and just keep doin ya thing'.

I'll just keep doing what I should do and I know I can do well.
I'm gonna get my foundation after I get my result.
I'll work hard and stand out I wont be that kid sitting at that last number anymore.
Ive been drawing since I dont remember when.
I'll do well.

God has been really nice to me.
I really thank God for that.
First miracle for me this year was,

Last year 2012 when i was in mel,
sounds silly but I prayed like a kid every night,
"Jesus, I wanna meet KwonJiYong aka Gdragon in 2013. I know i will because you say asked and it shall be giving to you. I have asked and I have received it.  And I know it will happen."
I kept saying it.
In 2013 Jan 15 Tuesday.
I saw Gd.
I made a trip up to kl to see him.
I saw him I passed my card and gift to him.
I stood beside him it was so near.
 Sounds silly right?
But God is this powerful.
You believe declare and it shall be done.
faith.
All you need is faith.

It can be other things in life.

HE's there just call out to him.
He's waiting for you (;

peace out.