I don't know why I feel even stress on this two weeks of holiday.
Feel so fark up.
I thought things are good,
but why am I feeling like this?
I feel so confuse about everything.
I just wanna go on a holiday.
For God sake it is a holiday!
Don't I get to go to a get away?
I want to go to the freakin' beach!
I wanna hear the waves and feel the sand.
Fark.
I really wanna go somewhere.
I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the future.
I'm scared of facing everything.
I'm scared that I'm thinking too much.
I'm scared that you would hate me.
I'm scared that you would blame me.
I'm scared that it won't heal.
I'm scared that I would lose you.
I'm scared of losing those hope.
I'm scared that I won't have anything to look forward to anymore,
I'm scared of giving up.
The thought of it makes me shiver inside out.
I hope you don't blame me for everything.
Everything will be fine right?
Please tell me it will.
Hey would you?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for thinking.
I'm sorry for asking.
I'm sorry for caring.
I'm sorry for worrying,
I'm sorry for saying.
Yeah.
I officially hate my face.
I hate when people stare.
I hate when people give that weird faces.
I hate when people look at me like a display.
I hate when people don't respect me.
I wanna dig their eyes out,
I wanna ask them to fark off.
I wanna kick them in the face.
I shouldn't be like this.
Bye.
Nothing can motivate me to study.
做人为何要做到这样?
你真的很奇怪
好像认识我是个丢脸的事
我人不美不是我的错吧
可能你觉得我一点也不特别
那就算了吧
我也不明白我为什么那么在意
我觉得我很好笑第一次在这里打华文
更好笑的是刚刚写给了一个不会看华文字的人
我不讨厌华语只是当 我用了我会觉得我很恶心
Feeling satisfied when you achieved something you could never do.
It makes me feel like I could actually be good.
I could actually make them proud.
I feel good.
I felt awesome at that moment.
But it never last.
It always didnt.
Im farked up again.
Im my old self again.
That person that everyone knew she would fail.
That person that everyone know she wont make it.
That person that everyone thinks that shes just an empty shell.
I farked up.
Why?
Why cant I change permernently.
Why isnt it consistant?
Why isnt it the way I thought it would be?
Why cant I get what I want.
Why do I always feel confident and realize thats not how people thought of me.
So many question left unanswered. Theres one in particular, why am I in form 5?
I dont deserve this I should retain.
I should be in form 4 with the retainers because I deserve it.
I know no shyt.
Its so unfair to the rest that didnt make it.
People get shocked to realize ive made it to form 5.
Im shocked myself.
I thank God im here, but I really dont deserved any of this.
I fail in my studies
I fail in being consistant.
I fail keeping up with my schedule.
I fail in love.
I fail to be a good daughter.
I fail in being a sister that doesnt hear my sister talk.
I fail to be gentle to my friends, im too straightforward.
I fail to talk to harry, I freak out whenever I see him.
I fail for not being able to complete my to do list.
I fail to have a tone body and my dead line is so near.
Today regina ask me what should we buy? All Of our friends are planning to get something.
I replied, I wanna buy time.
Im so desperate to find more time.
I dont wanna rob the bank.
I wanna rob time.
I need time.
But I need rest but if I rest I have no more time.
Sleeping eats my time but if I dont sleep im a zombie living in this earth.
May the Lord be with me.
