" I want so much out of life. Feels like someone is pressing hard against me, killing me softly. To the point you can't even speak but just stare at things around you, See how people live their life, wonder how they feel, are they happy or sad. Do they know their purpose in life? Or are they just living their life waiting for death to come. And just earn as much money as they can to survive. Are they in pain? Are they suffocating like me? Seems to me I'm like a doll, a puppet being control by the one who raise me, Choices they make to mold me into something I don't wanna be. I'm holding a scissors trying to cut the strings while their strong and firm hand grabs me until I can't move but twitch, I'm a puppet who wants to be free and  won't stop till I'm where I want to  be. "
                                                                                                                                                      13.11.11

Something I wrote behind my novel. I find it kinda funny and scary when I was typing it out. One of my crazy moments LOL..

Well, It's 2012 now! Happy new year everyone!!

Things that happened 2011?
1. Did lots of DIYs
2. Another Converse shoe belongs to me now (:
3. Went Bali & Jakarta
4. Tried body boarding
5. Made old-new friends. LOL.. So weird combination. But yeah we're back to normal (;
6. Rolled in permas jusco, Cs & school. Like literally.
7. Learning dancing & skateboarding!
8. Made it to Form 5.
9. Made new awesome friends.
10. Went Sentosa SG for the first time & went there twice!
11. Went Aquaria KLCC for the first time too!
12. Went Sunway Lagoon.
13. Read 5 novels? Can't rmb.
14. Didn't watched that much movie as 2010 LOL
15.  Got close with my baby cousin, which like I'm so not good with kids. So it's a miracle  :p
16. Started exercising!
17. Did hosting for SR Recital.
18. Learnt the ukulele (sort of)
19. Had 8 ulcers in my mouth!
20. Design, draw and paint my classroom wall :D
22. Cut Katy Perry hairstyle & my trade mark super short hair (Again)
23. Learnt to be more expressive XP
24. I was as hype as ever.
25. I love Regina even more XD
26. Relationship with God has increase!
27. Still single since I came out from my mum's womb. (Should I be proud? LOL)
28. Learnt to keep my walls up.
29. Learnt to give my troubles to God.

Yeah. There's good and bad stuff, from what I remember it's just this few.
and it's time to put it in the pass and focus on next year! I mean this year >< Gotta get use to it! 2012 <3 <3
Love it. Love it. Learning to (:
2011 was awesome but I'm sure 2012 will be better! And 2012 movie has to be move from the action side to the comedy corner :p (read that on twitter)

So I'm going to fast, starting tomorrow! Which is technically today. For 21 days (:
So I'm going on beverage fast and internet! Sobbies. Going to be hard but I'm doing it. Just got a feeling inside me that I have too. So it's just 21 days! I can do it. Gonna disappear from facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc. Maybe I'll realize life isn't all about all this (:

Gonna miss much.

All the hoping, I have to wait till it's over first. After all God first eh? (:

I can do it. After that yeah.. I'll be back for more updates! 

P.s I miss the beach ):

Finished reading a book titled " The society of others" by William Nicholson, bought it at my school book fair(But I'm sure the school doesn't know what's inside. There's like curse words and stuff..), was well attracted by the cover. Well, naturally.
They didn't say much on the description all it had was
" My late father says, 'Your mother tells me you spend all day shut up in your room.'
I say, 'She does not lie.'
He says. 'There's a big wide world out there. You're not going anywhere so long as you stay shut up in our room.'
I say, 'There's nowhere to go' "

For some reason it made me feel like this is going to be a good book, he's probably going out there. Since I can't run at least I could read a story about someone who get out there for an adventure. And I'll just imagine I'm on my way out of house. To explore the world.

So yeah. This guy has a well, very negative personality but for some reason the stuff he says kinda make sense in his own way. Well his expect of life :

" This big wide world: first of all, it's not so big and wide. Really the world is only as big as your experience of it, which is not big at all. And what sort of world is it? I would characterizes it as a remote, uninterested, unpredictable, dangerous, and unjust. When I was small I thought the world was like my parents, only bigger. I thought it watched me and clapped when I danced. This is not so. The world is not watching and will never clap. My father doesn't get this, he's still dancing. It makes me quite sad to see him.
Cat says my world view lacks depth and is merly bitterness. I dispute this. I feel no bitterness. I see things as they are. Nature is selfish. All creatures kill to survive. Love is a mechanism to propagate the species. Beauty is a trick that fades. Friendship is an arrangement for mutual advantage. Goodness is not rewarded, and evil is not punished. Religion is superstition. Death is annihilation. And as for God, if he exist at all he stopped caring for humankind centuries ago.
Wouldn't you?
  So why leave my room? "

There's a few part which strike me, and some that I liked, like :
"Poems are for showing how clever you are, and for putting in books, and for making people write in exams. They're just another way to make people like me feel stupid."

"They're like ageing women who've stopped looking in mirrors. That way you're always young, always beautiful."

"I will not die for what I believe in because what I believe in is life."

"We thieves, we wild men, we gun-toting terrorist, have a wedding to attend."

"Oh my mother.
I never thanked you for holding me in your arms. I never knew that you were always there. I only knew that when I needed you, you never failed me. Did your life stop for me, or did it go on but in some changed way? Love me always but don't love me too much. I can't bear it. I can't repay. Please understand I'm not cruel and without heart, but I will leave you."

"When I don't need you any more I'll start loving you, and that way when you die I'm the one with broken heart. Let that be my repayment."

" 'So you're agreeing with me?'
  'Not agreeing, no. I'm listening. '
' I thought this was suppose to be an argument.'
'Not at all. Arguments are for winning and losing. What use is that?'
'If you win and argument, that proves you're right.'
'Not at all. It only proves you 're better at arguing.'
'So that's good.'
'How is it good? It seems to me that it gets you no future than you were before. We might as well stand in the rain and piss at each other.' "

" 'What do you see?'
'A rod. snow. Sky.'
'And me, I see the ditch that runs beside the road, and the ice in the ditch, and the sunlight on the ice.'
'I see all that too. I could have said that.'
'But you chose to see one thing, And i another. We're both right. We invent nothing. We select. We each make our own world, out of the common store that is reality.' "

"It's funny about people's faces. If you look at them for long enough they stop being beautiful or ugly and become just themselves. Then you see they couldn't be any other way because that person's life has formed his face, and if you love him you love his face the way it is."

" Then as she's looking at me she slips into this parallel universe or something because for a moment she seems quite different. It's like seeing a small child hiding in her face, peeping out, not knowing I can see her. This small child is so lovely and so unaware that the sight of her makes me catch my breath surprise. I've forgotten that people can be without guile, She's so fragile, so bound to be hurt. I almost cry out loud.
'What?' say Am.
'You'. I say.
'What about me?'
'You beautiful.' "

 It's a good novel. Go get one (:

Sometimes we just get worry over things that aren't that bad or
I should say, I just get worry over things that aren't that bad.
I over think things too much sometimes. too much. It actually kills me inside.
I feel like an old lady going over and over again about one small little situation. One small mistake I call it which actually, nothing. We people.    Correction. I.
I am absolutely crazy.
My mind is like... I keep talking to myself...

In the end.
I should just leave my troubles to
My friend.
My love.
My provider.
My hope.
My father.
My strength.
My freedom.
My healer.
My God.
He's everything.
And He's everything I need.

Even when everyone leaves.
He will still be there smiling to me telling me leave it me and I'll give you rest.

So, I, Rachel, should stop worrying all the time but leave everything to Him.


Called out to him talk to Him like a friend,
He's there,
You'll be surprise.

Give it a try, reader.

(:

xoxo

Looks like things are going to change so soon,
come to think about it I'm not ready at all.
But I don't want this to be like one of those lip service thing going on,
don't want that some routine again and again.
The doubts, disappointments, worries, etc.



I don't want this year to end,
I feel like perter pan.
wow, it actually rhymes 

One of those moment when we just sit there and daydream and think about yourself.
Gosh, what I've become.
It's the most weirdest wrong feeling I have.
Or feelings?
Imma disgusting person.
LOL?
So easily affected,
control,
felt,
move.

Stupid.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha!

Ha?




People can actually do that?
Idk.


Maybe I'm just lost.
Don't know where I have to stand.
Or maybe I just never picked it.
I mean how am I suppose to pick?
It's so easy, but confusing.

I hate it.
Why do we need this anyway?
Why do we need to feel this way?

Somethings are created and we just don't have a clue about it.
Example, why am I here?
Probably I'll be someone who will meant somebody in their life.
Their helper and friend in time of need.
We all have a role to play.


Maybe one day someone out there will also make me feel like a actually exist.

Read the old post written by me. Gosh, it's kinda embarrassing. It's funny how I've change. I decided to delete it but then again it's good to leave it and see I've change and grown up. A reminder that I'm alive and growing. New situations that happened to me. It's rather funny and interesting. This is so weird. Saying your own blog interesting. Well, changed. But not grown up yet?? Not enough? Sigh.. It still rings in my ears about you telling me to grow up..

It hurts. I'll admit it hurts. It did change how I think and act around you. Things just got weirder.. Sometimes hearing your voice makes me want to blast my earphones real loud.

But when I think about the future when I'm leaving you, thinking about how hurt you are yet you still put on a straight face holding all of us together, planning everything.. It just hurts to see you like that. It makes me even worse when I see you becoming like this. I don't know...

I'm trying my best to make you guys glad. to let you guys know that I did make you guys feel like after all the pain it was worth it. I do love you and I do dislike you. But if you ever leave this world it would be hard for me. I'll admit. There's a reason why God put us together.

Sometimes I just hope one day you'll quit thinking and worrying about us.
and think about yourselves. Look at you guys!! Please.
You guys really need to find time for yourselves and forget about us.
I just really wish and hope deep down inside you're happy.
Happy to be here.
Happy to be living.
Happy to be breathing.
Happy to see us.
Happy to see yourself.
Happy to see your partner.

I love you guys.
I don't think I need to write your names to know who you are.

Sincerely,
your buddy/baby/emo one/ rachel.

I wish I knew who you were,
I wonder do you also feel the same way,
thinking about who will that be,
do you?

I would like to get to know you,
but our time hasn't come yet,
I wonder would it be like a that first sight that would make your heart beat faster
or for some reason it happen after we knew each other for quite some time.

I hope they agree to it,
I wonder how would it feels like,
that smile on our faces and that hug,
that says we made it through.

I wonder how the fights would be,
that will bring us to tears,
and show us the sight we never seen or thought we had.

What's funnier is I'm thinking about this total stranger,
and he doesn't know I'm thinking about him,
neither do I even know how he looks like,
would he be the same race with me
or the one I always had in mind.

But they say "the one you have would be totally different from what you thought",
yet you can still love him.

Love.
This word.
I don't know.
Seems hard to trust,
even if it's real,
we would protect ourselves and deny all we want,
either way we will still get hurt,
so why not take that step and give it a try,
if it's true, there you go.
If not at least you've tried.

Sometimes I see two people who are madly in love,
and I would be thinking how true is this,
who's lying and who's being played?
But then again they look so happy together,
that moment that make you go when will it be my turn?
then you start thinking over it again and go maybe I don't want this.

They always say "when it happens then you'll just know",
is it the same when a mother holds her new born baby?
I don't know.

Still young.
Don't know much,
lots of things I had never experience before,
but I'll know in the future,
and I would explain it better to the one that doesn't know.

To make them assured it's okay just live every minute well,
you'll meet him/her one day,
there's nothing to rush.

Why bother rushing?
Enjoy every moment you wouldn't know when the people around you would leave this earth,
treasure the one you have now then to dream about the one that's not there yet,
you'll get your chance to meet them and treasure them too.

♥

Fuuook,I need to grow up.
             I need to grow up.
             I need to fuuooking grow up.









Some gif credits to www.dailyloggie.tumblr.com
and tumblr.

call me crazy but I really need this now.

Credits to tumblr <3 

I kept finding reason.
I kept searching what's missing.
I kept thinking why is my life so dull.
I kept wondering what's happening to me.
I kept thinking why do I feel so empty inside.
I kept finding answers.

In the end it was always there,
I just never pay attention to it.
That small little hint He gave.
The way I just avoided it so easily.

Tonight, I just decided to listen to it.

I never felt better.
It was great to feel that peace again.
That emptiness filled with love.
Love that can't never be replace.
A love which not even words can describe.

I was down.
I am happy now.

We all need Him in the end.
All the things we have now are just temporarily.

Too buried by other things.
Felt that guilt in my heart.
Like a slap across my face. 

We all need him.
We all need Jesus.

You can laugh and rise your eyebrows,
But if you just take that step to call out His name.
Focus on Him.
Don't have any doubts but believe in Him.
You will feel the difference.

He's always there,
He loves us.
He loves you.

He's real,
Always.

It happen too many times.

I won't let them take me there.

Kept going around in circles.

Afraid to get closer again knowing one day you'll be gone again,

I'm trying so hard to fit in.

The time is coming.

Maybe I just don't fit to have one.
Or like one.
When they turn out to be all the same.
Ha.
Maybe that's the way they are.
Or maybe they just move on because of they way I think.
I know I'm a difficult person.
Ha.

All this. I was at fault.

I wasn't mad.
Just hurt to know that that trust is gone.
But didn't know how to express.
Tears wasn't the answer.
Rachel kept scolding me if I cried.
I kept holding on.
She told me it's not worth it.
She kept calling me weak when tears filled up my eyes.
You should scold her not me.
But then again,
She was right anyway.

I guess too much excuse in the past has caused it.
I don't blame you.
But thanks for not believing in me.
More reason to prove.
I've change.
But you'll never get it.
I'm fine with that.
Because it's not important about what you think anymore.
It doesn't matters anymore.
I'm cool with that.

The reason I go to that path because I know what I'm good at and I wanna to work on it.
Only way I won't feel so useless.

She got nothing nice to say that's all.
All the things that came out from her mouth is just negative stuff.
If you realize.
She doesn't see the good in people.
Or maybe I have nothing good in me.
Or maybe just maybe,
She's a bitch.

I learn a new thing today.
You don't need to cut your wrist to feel better.
Cutting your hair is better.
It doesn't hurt.
And it will grow out sooner or later.
If you cut your wrist there will be a scar.

By the way before I end this,
You didn't owe me a living but trust.

Went to Jakarta and Bali this holiday. How was it? Great, I guess. Pretty messed up feeling when I was there. Have lots of thoughts going in my head. Lots of it. Kept thinking kept dreaming. Looking outside the window. Felt like a ghost walking around. Ghost doesn't seem to be the right word. An empty shell would be better.

Walking around and when people turn and stare, Sometimes I wonder was it my hair? Or something wrong with me? But the answer was easy. One word. Insecure. Ya, I always am.

Walking around, looking around. All I see was unfamiliar faces. Some stared at me a few times so I looked at them in the eyes. And there was nothing.

Kept trying and hoping to get to know someone there. Maybe I was feeling insecure. I wanted to know someone and to be known.

Walking around laughing talking bullshyt. Saying all those random stuff and just keep laughing. She asked me was I okay. The truth is I wasn't. Laughter was the best medicine. I believe in that. It really help me to forget many things.

Of course you can only run. But you can't hide from it.

Holiday was great. It was really a great escape. But my troubles never really left. But it made me forget them once in awhile. But I would say going on a holiday was addictive. I wanted more. I wanted to go on to the next plane than home. Just kept going around and explore.

Stayed home to much. I needed to see the outside world. Know what's really going on there than only to imagine all the false image in my head.

Came back home. And here I am sitting on front of the computer. That's the only thing I know? Sometimes I wonder. I cant' go out. So I tried. I didn't use the computer and went to my room. I was blank. I got nothing to do. I didn't even feel like touching my guitar.

Feel so useless.

The moment you thought that this is going to be something new, something different. But it never lasted. It always never lasted. It was always never the way we thought it would be.

My body is awake but my mind is not.
My heart, my eyes are heavy.
Waking up in the morning wasn't something I wanted.
It's not something that I wish would happen.
I was back to reality.
I tried to sleep. Hoping I was asleep.
I closed my eyes. I wasn't here again.
In that dream. You were there.
It's kinda weird why you randomly appeared in my dreams.
I guess I'm thinking about you too much.

Waking up. Thinking about what happen.
Thinking about the same thing last night.
Couldn't sleep.
But in the end I still did.
I just want to sleep for the whole day.
But I didn't had the rights to do that.
I have to start studying.
Not something I like.
But I guess we can't always do what we like.
(laughs)

What happen between us.
I have no idea.
I just hope everything would end.
I guess.
Both of you.
Yeah.
I'm waiting for that moment I can turn to my friend and say,
"Hey I guess it's my turn to sing my song."
Ha.
Let's wait to find out.
I'll wait even if you don't.

It's going to be the "best" chapter of my life.

It was something I never expected.
But yes, I did hope.

But It was just at the back of my mind.
I tried to put that thought aside.

And yes, it happened.

The feeling of it was great.
But yet it hurts because I have to cherish every moment.
It hurts to know you can't do what you want anymore.
It hurts to know that this time you have to stop following your feelings.

I didn't dare to look nor think about it.
But it was hard not too.
It was hard to focus on whatever that was happening.

Trying to do every small little things.
Just holding a hope.
And yes it came again.
But it didn't lasted.

It's also good to know about the things that you were trying to figure out for days.
It made me smile and sigh at the same time.
Both feelings mixed up.
Yet you can't even use a word to describe it.

Making a decision you think you're so brave, so thoughtful.
But part of you kept trying to do something stupid.
Something to avoid feeling down.
But deep down you know that you will have to face the problems again.
So why not now than later?
Sigh.

Thank you. It felt great.

I don't know why God keep putting me in such situation.

Maybe because I have to learn from those mistake and change it.

Ya i know exactly what I'm going to do now.

But it's so hard to change it.

What the eff am I gonna do now?

I mean like seriously.

Why this again?

Urgh. But this time is different.

But I know it's not gonna end beautifully.

So I have to change it.

But it's so hard.

I guess I just need some time to think it over.

But I still have to stick to that decision.

I will. Eventually.

People always say happy ever after. But do they really know what happen after that? Happy ending was just a start of something new.


Just one sentence and he just left her there. Alone. Waiting.

She waited for confirmation. She was confuse over everything. Wondering why all of the sudden he decided to just put this a break.

She had her pride. She waited for him to look for her. But he didn't.

She kept wanting to know what she did wrong. She tried to change hoping he would be back to love her like he used too.

Now wherever she went. Memories poured back into her mind. It hurts her badly. But she told herself to be strong and to hold on.

Everyday she hope she could see him. But he was never there.

She's still waiting for that moment he would come back to say how stupid he was. But part of her knew it was impossible.

She still counted the days they were together.

She wished this feeling would stop, but she love him too much. To the point it hurts.

She cries when something occurred her.

She blames herself again and again, and never blames him.

But, no matter how sad she was. She never hurt herself physically.
Which for me I thought was a good thing. No many girls would do that.
Seeing her like this at some point, I felt her pain. For some reason I just did.


She thinks he's probably avoiding all this.

He looks normal on the outside but is he in the inside?

He laughs everyday and talk bullshyt but is he really over it.

Probably he is or he wouldn't even did what he did at the start.

But does she knows what was he up to?

Does she knows he's talking to another girl? Does she know what he tells her?

If she does. I will feel even bad for her. But she should move on. That's the only way. After all he's not the type of guy she needs.

He's not that good after all but she needed him.

Girl, if he left you once he could left you twice.

Give it up.

So I heard that they're gonna make a sequels for Percy Jackson. Heard this news for quite some time already. Couldn't find any auditions, nothing. I don't have an agent or anything else. Couldn't contact, Google doesn't seem to offer a good answer. Hmm..

Feeling disappointed about it, because I heard they already have their cast. I was really thinking about the role Thalia. But they have not confirm about it, so I guess I still do have a chance. I ain't giving up on it! :)

I just really hope someone or something will just show up and give me an answer. I know I should be searching for them, I mean who would know who am I, but I really can't find a thing! Plus, the location I am now, hard. I just really am desperate for it. I love this novel and really do want to be part of it.

I'll just trust in the Lord. Have faith and believe. :)

Rachel.

Okay, just gonna type whatever comes to mind.

I love Norah Jones. She's so awesome! I love her voice. Ahh.. Her song are just.Ahh.. Haha..

Discovered a new band. Name: Angus and Julia stone. Beautiful. Why don't I know anyone with voice like that? The girl's voice is unique too. :) You guys have to so check them out! XD

Sad thing I can only listen to them on the computer.

My wish list. I want an Ipod touch!!

I lost my mood o type my blog post. But since I'm half way here why not right?

Mid year exams. zzz.. The problem with me. I guess I don't always use my brain that much to the fact that I"m studying and sleeping really late at night makes me very exhausted.

I really can't wait for the holidays to come. But it seems so far away! :(

It's been awhile since I wrote about heart breaks and all those bull shyt haha.. Well, I don't think I'll be writing stuff like this soon. My life has been really dull. I'm painting colors into it so I guess my future would be a lot interesting haha..

Acting. When will be the day? I'm so excited.

I wanna learn the piano.

I wanna learn parkour.

I wanna learn skateboarding.

I wanna learn...........................................

So many things. Yet I'm not interested on my studies :D (hmm.. I shouldn't be proud of that) Ha.

I'll be honest with you the next time.

I wanna meet Logan Lerman.

I wanna buy another converse shoe.

Maybe I should check out Vans. They're beautiful.

I wanna cut my hair and feel that excitement.

Kings of leons. Caleb followill voice is so sexay. haha..

Facebook. What was I doing when it didn't exist? I don't remember.

I love drawing on my hand. It gets addicted. At first I wrote on it because I'm forgetful. It's my paper. My to do list since my hand phone is so 'high tech' it doesn't have stuff like that. But I'm afraid to get skin cancer :/ haha..

I'm thinking of supper. Hmm...

Hillsong is nice too. Awesome music.

I love Jesus XD

Hmm.. So logan's twitter is real. I wish he would update more often X( haha..

Malay test up next! Grrrr....

I have to start exercising.

Okay, gotta stop Shan is calling me to watch the gates. tehee..

You guys take care alright? <3 xoxo

You're a stranger.
Yet you kept approaching me.
You kept calling me.
You make me someone I'm not.
You make me feel like I didn't do anything wrong.
You blur my vision.
You ask me to do stupid things that I shouldn't do.
You change me at that split second.

I really don't know you.
I kept asking you to leave.
I kept crying.
I kept running.
I kept cursing you.
I told you to shut your mouth.
I told to stop asking me to cut my wrist.
I told you to get out.

Yet you never reply.

I sat there.
I was blank.
I felt like I was staring into space.
I felt like I wasn't me.
I felt like you're trying to kill me.
I felt like you're a devil.

I keep calling Jesus.
I was crying.
I keep talking to him.
I was asking Him to help me.
I felt safe.
I told him I was sorry for not controlling.
I felt His presence.
I kept speaking in tongue.
I told Him that I love him.

You were gone.
You weren't there.
You know you'll be back.

I'll shall tell you.

Rachel.

Stop it.
Stop trying to do that.
Stay away from me.
I don't need your bullshit.
Stay out.


My another half.


Stop it.

Okay a post of frustration. Ha.

Today just isn't my day. F*cked up actually.

I knew something was coming. I sense it. No wonder I felt so darn tired and down.

Whole day is like problems to problems just keeps coming. It's like people trowing stones at you at once and you can't avoid not even one of it.

I tried my best to solve it. Hard shyt. But I kept praying talking to God to help me through. I guess that's why I love being alone. I get to talk to God at the time.

Walking alone speaking in tongues but kinda afraid walking pass people, they would think somethings wrong with me. But I just continue with it.

Coming back home, having a headache which was already been there the whole day just trying my best to ignore it. I fell asleep on the living room floor for an hour. Woke up went for tea break and came back.

Decided to watch Percy Jackson. Watching him made me feel better. Soothe me down. I needed him. Which was sick to the core. Ha. Watch and exercise. Ahh.. I feel much better. But not for long.

After cycling for eighty minutes. The movie wasn't done. So I sat there to finished it. Someone calls me and say whowho wants to watch her show. But hey it's not time yet HELLO!~ silents. ahh... continue watching. But it didn't last long. Boom. I had enough of all the nonsense. I change the channel and went up. F it.

Seriously! We have 3 televisions in the house. Okay let's count it two. Since you can't use the other one. What's wrong watching with the other tv?! Ohh is it too small or what huh?? Can't you see I'm watching mine. When I'm done you can watch yours alright?

Then something made it worse. The whowho actually didn't mind watching with that tv. It's the whowhowho who suggested no you should go down and watch. Urgh! I don't like watching things half way. Oh I get it I watched it more than once but it's different! I hate it!

My day is getting worse alright?! I feel awful. I feel like things isn't working hard no matter how hard I tried. I did my best but.. Still there wasn't any good thing in it. I had enough. I'm tired of this. I'm good in a lot of things but not this. Just let me go for want I can do than this. I'm tired. And I hate wasting my time on something that doesn't have progress. Urgh.. Please. Or I'm gonna blow.

There's no cliff for me to jump to feel better. There's no private place where I can go to let everything out. Place where only I know. There's no pool for me to jump in and feel like I'm drowning to feel better. There's no place for me to just shout and let everything out.

All I have is my cluttered room with no privacy. But yet I could tear there. And cry like a freaking big baby. Yes. I admit I'm weak in the inside. But we all have that right? Just that our tolerant levels are different.

I'm sure mine are stronger than yours because I hide things to myself for a long time yet I could still laugh like nothings wrong. Or am I just a better actor than you are? Or am I a better runner than you. I can run away from things longer.

But we're still human in the end. We get tired and the troubles still chase after you. And there you are again. Down. That's life. I'll get used to it.

Hmm.. How about a blog post? HA..

Nothing new lately. Just the same as always.

Listening to arcade fire. They're interesting ha.

I can't wait for 3M, so gonna watch it. But it'll be a long wait :( seven months..

I feel like puking. seriously. I think it's the air. Urgh.. Not feeling good. I really need to puke...

Sorry for the randomness I just type out whatever comes. I'm just bored. Home alone. Ha. Waiting for my family to be back from kl..

Ah yes.. Hmm.. Well, I don't mind if you don't wanna be friends with me. I clearly don't know what's your problem but I can't be bothered. Anyway, I don't mind living my life without you. Because you didn't make a different in my life.


The feeling of kneeling in front of the toilet bowl and waiting to puke isn't easy. Ha.. At least it's out. It feels disgusting. Ha. But it's not like my first time puking. Ha. The weird part was I puke out food I don't remember eating. Now that's disgusting. Why am I talking bout my vomit anyway? Skip.

Coachella. April 15-17. Aww.. So wanna go. I bet they will have awesome music going on there. And I'm gonna miss it :( Who wanna sponsor me to go to California? Ha. If only. But nothing is impossible eh? Tehee..

Can't wait for our performance. Really hope we are able to make it happen ;D

Dumm ta tak dum tak dum tak.. HA.. Arcade fire-The suburbs. Nice song.


I wanna act! Acting is something I'm sure I wanna go for. It's something I dream of. Not since a kid. Well, it always cross my mind but I never really thought of it. But now I'm sure of it. I'm sure this is what I want. Just gotta wait for the right time. <3

Still feel like pucking. argh..

Anyway, Peace out. GBU. <3

Urgh.. I need inspiration.



I need to improve on my photography skills.



I wouldn't say I'm a bad photographer but I just think I can do better. I want to be better. It's like it's just not good enough. Something is just missing.


I guess I need to be a lot more creative? I feel like it's so normal.

Yea, That's the word. Creative.

But I wouldn't force myself just gotta upgrade on my skills.


Just see where my weird mind and thinking will bring me. Ha.

Hmm.. Something struck me today.

I always wanted to play the role Rachel Elizabeth Dare in Percy Jackson. Ya I know you'll be like "HA! you gotta be kidding me." "Impossible blah blah blah.." But I'm serious and I believe I have the chance.
Anyway, Even before I read the book. I went to Wikipedia to check it out. I guess what caught me was the name? Because my name is Rachel? Ya partly. When I bought the book, read it. I love her. She doesn't hide much, she say what she wants, but she always avoids about her family topic. She brave and strong in her own way. She has a energetic and cute personality. I think it's a interesting role to play. But the problem is I don't have green eyes and I'm not a red-headed. Hmm.. Make up? Contacts? Hmm..

I was also interested in Thalia grace. She's cool girl. haha.. Well, I do have black hair. My hair isn't that long, I don't mind cutting it for the role.

What struck me was.. Why not give Thalia a try? I mean, if this pass it will just pass. If you can't make it at least you can still give Rachel a try. Maybe you will get the role Thalia and not Rachel. At least you never lose that chance. If I just wait for Rachel audition maybe I might not pass and I get nothing. I wouldn't mind getting either one. Though Rachel would be my first choice.. tehee..

I have been trying to find the audition but it seems so impossible. Everybody has their own answer which made me puzzled.

I guess I just gotta keep praying and hope.. :)
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Today was great. teacher switch my seat, I'm sitting next to my friend which was a good thing. Now we can discuss our homework or anything that we don't understand in class. :D But I'm reading Percy Jackson the last Olympians again haha.. It's so tempting I just wanna keep reading it non stop. Which made my friend jokingly say " I'm gonna burn that book if you don't put it away" haha.. Can't help it! >< She's gets bored in class and hoping that I would chat with her, but the book is really making shut my mouth haha.. I love it! XD

I started making my dream board. All the things I want. I guess when you make a goal you will be more motivated in it. :)
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Ah.. Friday got some shooting for the school magazine. I don't think it's the front cover but it's okay. I don't really want it to be at the front cover anyway haha.. So there 5 of us going to take our photo. :)

Teacher selected me to go for some computer wallpaper contest which I don't even know everything on how to do it.. >< But I'll just give it a try :)

Can't wait for Saturday. When we're going to paint our classroom! :D With my design. :D :D Well, It was second best. The first one they didn't have faith that it would work out.. :( haha..
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Having computer class now.. Having this miserable flu that is making me really sick..Breathing in cold air and breathing out hot air . Not to mention ear block, that is affecting me..

Finally exams are over and I'm very elated about that ha.. Well,Planning on watching some Japanese movie with Shan tonight She calls it erika's movie cause the actress looks like her. Probably because of the hair.And I can't wait to watch "My one and only" today. Hopefully there will be time for that tehee.. I'm really crazy over him. So wrong. I don't even know him. But hey, he's a good actor ha.. Can't wait for holiday.. ha..

Going to regin's house to stay for five days. Pretty long. That's a good thing. But well, I'm going to miss the food in Penang and the beach, but I don't think they're going to the beach though. But it's okay I guess. We started planning on what we're going to do. So, pretty awesome I must say hehe.. Maybe record our song. Need lots of practice though.. Later going to switch our class again.. Going up to the fourth floor.. Urgh.. So tiring, like I'm not weak enough.. Ha.. So much for saying how strong I am. Lol.. That's how I got my flu. By driking a sick man's tea. Hey it's not that disgusting. It's just my dad ha. He warned me that he's sick. I just took the risk and him told I'm strong enough. "Strong" Haha..

I'm reading "Battle of the labyrinth" the fourth book of Percy Jackson again. Additive? Y.E.S. and also to kill my boredom in class. I regret not bringing it to computer class. It would be perfect. Going to another world of Greek God's and half bloods adventure. Sounds like some children's story book to be honest. But hey, you haven't read it, that's why. I really hope they're going to make the second movie.
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Back home. And it's a Saturday already. Yes. I did watch "My one and only" yesterday haha.. It seems a lot nicer after watching it the second time. Anyway, Yup yesterday was exhausting, because was playing basketball.. But it was fun..

Today, I don't know. Bored and fun at the same time? Hmm.. haha..

I'm still having "fever" LOL.. No kidding. It's very serious. I'm shocked myself haha.. I don't think I'm going to heal that fast, or maybe I will never will! But it's okay, I like it this way. Haha.. At least he's makes my day. Makes me smile and ready to face everyday. I'm laughing and smiling everyday for no reason. Guess it's because of him. What? Ha..
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Time to post my blog post haha.. Don't know why did I save it in my draft @@ anyway yup.. Anyway just really happy that they're continuing the sequel of PJO :D!