I'm a hard to read,
hard to understand.

I understand that this is the fact because the look on people's face when they don't get what's wrong with me.
I try to hide my feelings often, I just don't see the need of showing.
I'm not comfortable showing or expressing how I feel.
I just haven't met anyone that I'm willing to let it all out and show the true me and still feel secure.
That's why I'm the only one who knows that I'm suffering.
I'm not trying to say how strong I am.
I'm not strong,
in fact this is more like a weakness I have.

I just don't like being comfort or sympathize with.
I just don't like when people look at me and go, hey it's alright.
It's like thanks but no thanks. I'm fine and I can deal with it myself.

It's funny how you can actually control your feelings.
One second you're in tears,
and when you decided it's time to stop being stupid,
your tears could just stop.
Breathe in and out hard enough and you're back.

Smile and go crazy.

I guess it's just my way of letting it go and forget about everything little shyty stuff that's bothering you at that moment.

You're with your friends must as well be happy and leave your sadness later alone.

I'm still hard to read but it's not like I'll keep this distance and be rude to you.
I'll be nice and I'm only nice to people that I want to, sincerely.
I hate fakers and I don't want to be one.
There's many people out there who knows me and know who I am.
Yes, I do find that extremely weird because the fact I live in my own world not giving a care to what people say or think about me, and I pretty not care about other people lives who are not affected to me because I don't see the need of it.
But well, you see there's a different between knowing me and know about me.
It's always easy to get through the first one, the second one you probably need a life time.
I'm pretty much not consistent.
For awhile you might get me right and next you're wrong about it.

So,
don't get mad when you can't understand.

But on the other hand I could understand people really fast.
And know how they feel and think.
I think it's great because I love helping people out and solving their problem when they need someone to.
It's a really nice feeling when they come up to you and tell you their problem,
I don't think it's annoying in fact I enjoy it.
Helping people and letting them smile again with what you say is just a great feeling, it makes me glad too.
And it's like they trust you.
And I would keep their stuff to myself because I don't wanna break that trust we have.
It's funny how they come up to me to all type of situations especially relationship problems.
I salute them because they trust me on that even though I've never been in one.
But their response is thanks why didn't I thought of that, the fact how appreciative they are makes me satisfied. 

I really appreciate those around me and love to hang around with me.
It's weird why they never left.
It's funny how they could miss me.
I know you can miss someone.
But me?
Lol.
It's cute that they sometimes can't understand me yet they try to be understanding and go, that's her. it's alright.
But it's cool that they leave me alone and let me deal with my own feelings and let me fight with myself.
It's like they know I can deal with it and I'll be back to that version of me that they are familiar with soon.

It's hard to find people like this.

I'm grateful for them.

I thank the Lord for what I have and gonna have,
always. 

I couldn't quite explain or understand how I'm actually feeling right now.

The sense of fading always makes me sad but proud of myself.
It shows that it could actually happen.
It makes me know that you're nothing to me.
But deep down hating of admitting the truth about how I feel.
Still longing and wanting every part of the past I had.
Everything that I had.

Waking up in the morning ready to face the day,
Perspective of life never seem so purposeful.
It's like there's a reason to go on and love life and myself.

That joy and smile that would be there without you knowing when you're in deep thought of that special someone.
Then feeling all silly about your behavior but it's just something you can't stop yourself from doing.

When,
His smile reflects yours.
His breathing began matching yours.
He becomes a magnet that you couldn't help to draw near too.
He makes you feel like a kid again.
His scent becomes your own personal fragrant of life.
His weak point becomes something you could laugh at when you're down.

Thinking about the things he did.

You know you fell deep,
and you don't seem to care because this is everything that makes you feel complete.

He was in another world dreaming.
Holding a box in his hands,
with a ribbon on top.
A present for that person that means something to him.
To anyone it's no big deal.
Yeah, it sure isnt,
it doesn't mean a big deal to her too.
That's just what she thinks on the outside.

She had no idea this day would come.
She didn't expect any of this.
All she thought was that it could be her or no one.
She miss how it felt.
But it's not there anymore.

She decided to leave.
He was a stranger to her,
she doesn't even cares if he's there or not.
But it was just all a act.
In the end, she lost.
She lost.

She thought that maybe she isnt serious about everything,
but when she felt that pain in her heart,
as tears roll down her cheek,
she knew she really cares,
what she did not know was that it would hurt that badly.

Now she's just used to everything.
Everything that happened.
But now she knows she's nothing to him.
Absolutely nothing.

But.























this is not end of life for her.

We cant get our mind to rest.
All you do is think and think and drive yourself crazy.
Then you think that everything was just a waste of time.
You left the room before you close the door you saw the last of it, what remain.
Everything starts flowing through your mind and heart,
all the past played like a movie.
And you got back in.
When will I leave that farking room?
Waiting for answers so many questions left unanswered,
Finally,
the day has come when everything was answered, placed right in front of you.
Now you're a joke.
Everything was a joke.

Good bye.

They say we all have secrets,
those that we can share to the one we trust,
and those that we keep to ourselves.
Sometimes we tend to tell everything to the one we trust.
But I guess it's not something we should do all the time.
It shows how we really are,
reviling your secret is like peeling your shell away bit by bit,
until you're like completely naked.

Standing there feeling insecure,
unsure about what they think of you.
What lies beneath their mind.
We can trust people but maybe we should always keep a distance.

Secrets are like this layer and layer of protection.
Keeping us safe and warm.
Keeping things to yourself can be nice.
Holding it in, a secret where no one in this world knows except you.
Only God knows.

Not everyone can keep a secret.
Some choose to tell how they feel and think.
They can't hold it together,
but there's nothing wrong with that.

For me,
I like to keep things.
It makes me better and happier that way.
Smiling to myself and get ready for a brand new day.

Some say I'm weird.
But it's okay it's better to be weird than normal.
Normal is kinda boring, no?

I'll leave that for you to answer.

Things changes.
People changes.
We grow up.

We adjust to each other life style.
We become use to each other.
We invite and accept new comers in our life.
But sometimes new comers will never be the same as the one we used to have.
But we try to love them when the ones you love, loves them.
That's how we naturally react.

Though we will be protective like a lion protecting it's food.
We will track you down like a wolf.
Aft all this is our territory.
If you ever do anything to them, We'll hunt you down.
But sometimes we can't do tat when we realize our enemy is our pack lover.

When We hurt our enemy we would also hurt our love ones.
But I'll terrify you with my stare and hurt you in your dreams.
Those decision we make.
Those silly mistakes.
Love makes us blind.
Its hard to be thorn apart between lover and friends.

But i tell you, in the end, the pack will be here for you.
But I'll watch you suffer,
and when i think you're about to only have your last breath I'll help you.
Aft all you should feel that pain before i forgive you.
But i tell you,
the reason I'll give in is because the pack will be there to convince me and i love them.
All of them, nothing will step in the way.
I'll stand up for them.
I won't put my head down like a dog when he holds a stick.
Instead I'll be like a wolf, stepping in front and let him know if he can't accept this he should leave.

The things we've gone through is it really worth it to let a newcomer change us?
But all i can say is damage is done.
I'll send you vision of the past to let you know you've got it wrong.
You can patch it up but its not the same anymore.

Its like taking a cloth to cover the hole made on the blanket,
You can't see it but beneath it there's still a hole in there.


Things constantly are changing we just gotta accept and adjust to it.


This is life.

I don't know what we have.
I don't know what we are.
I don't know what we had.
I don't know what we were doing.
I don't know what are we waiting for.

I don't know what am I waiting for.
I don't know what am I trying to do.
I don't know what am I holding on for.

I don't know what the heck are you thinking.
I don't know what the heck we had suppose to mean.
I don't know what the heck was this a misunderstanding.
I don't know what the heck you were looking at.
I don't know what the heck I felt but it felt real, even from the start.

But,
I know I can't get enough.
I know I'm addicted.
I know I'm crazy.
I know I'm living on a thin glass, don't break it.
I know I'm living on that tiny hope.
I know I want you.
I know I keep making silly mistake.
I know I keep freaking out.
I know I become stupid when you're around, mind blank.
I know I become selfless.
I know I'm really into you.

I know you might know.
I know you might avoid.
I know you might want it too.
I know you might think I'm annoying.
I know you might be clueless.
I know you might be shy.
I know you might feel disgusted.
I know you might not know.

Either way,
I know you're not who they say you are.
I'm holding on to this hope because I truly believe in it. 

I don't know why I feel even stress on this two weeks of holiday.
Feel so fark up.
I thought things are good,
but why am I feeling like this?
I feel so confuse about everything.
I just wanna go on a holiday.
For God sake it is a holiday!
Don't I get to go to a get away?
I want to go to the freakin' beach!
I wanna hear the waves and feel the sand.

Fark.
I really wanna go somewhere.

I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the future.
I'm scared of facing everything.
I'm scared that I'm thinking too much.
I'm scared that you would hate me.
I'm scared that you would blame me.
I'm scared that it won't heal.
I'm scared that I would lose you.
I'm scared of losing those hope.
I'm scared that I won't have anything to look forward to anymore,
I'm scared of giving up.

The thought of it makes me shiver inside out.


I hope you don't blame me for everything.
Everything will be fine right?
Please tell me it will.
Hey would you?


I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for thinking.
I'm sorry for asking.
I'm sorry for caring.
I'm sorry for worrying,
I'm sorry for saying.

Yeah.

I officially hate my face.
I hate when people stare.
I hate when people give that weird faces.
I hate when people look at me like a display.
I hate when people don't respect me.

I wanna dig their eyes out,
I wanna ask them to fark off.
I wanna kick them in the face.

I shouldn't be like this.
Bye.

Nothing can motivate me to study.

做人为何要做到这样?

你真的很奇怪

好像认识我是个丢脸的事

我人不美不是我的错吧

可能你觉得我一点也不特别

那就算了吧

我也不明白我为什么那么在意

我觉得我很好笑第一次在这里打华文

更好笑的是刚刚写给了一个不会看华文字的人

我不讨厌华语只是当  我用了我会觉得我很恶心

Feeling satisfied when you achieved something you could never do.

It makes me feel like I could actually be good.

I could actually make them proud.

I feel good.

I felt awesome at that moment.

But it never last.

It always didnt.

Im farked up again.

Im my old self again.

That person that everyone knew she would fail.

That person that everyone know she wont make it.

That person that everyone thinks that shes just an empty shell.

I farked up.

Why?

Why cant I change permernently.

Why isnt it consistant?

Why isnt it the way I thought it would be?

Why cant I get what I want.

Why do I always feel confident and realize thats not how people thought of me.

So many question left unanswered. Theres one in particular, why am I in form 5?

I dont deserve this I should retain.

I should be in form 4 with the retainers because I deserve it.

I know no shyt.

Its so unfair to the rest that didnt make it.

People get shocked to realize ive made it to form 5.

Im shocked myself.

I thank God im here, but I really dont deserved any of this.

I fail in my studies

I fail in being consistant.

I fail keeping up with my schedule.

I fail in love.

I fail to be a good daughter.

I fail in being a sister that doesnt hear my sister talk.

I fail to be gentle to my friends, im too straightforward.

I fail to talk to harry, I freak out whenever I see him.

I fail for not being able to complete my to do list.

I fail to have a tone body and my dead line is so near.

Today regina ask me what should we buy? All Of our friends are planning to get something.

I replied, I wanna buy time.

Im so desperate to find more time.

I dont wanna rob the bank.

I wanna rob time.

I need time.

But I need rest but if I rest I have no more time.

Sleeping eats my time but if I dont sleep im a zombie living in this earth.

May the Lord be with me.

Being told that whatever I'm doing is meaningless.
It's like a slap across my face again.
I don't know how to feel at that moment.
Anger, disappointment and hurt poured over me,
but I just gave a smile to change everything.
That look on your face left me hopeless.
Why do you always have to do this?
Or are you my wake up call whenever it comes to this?
Or are you just that person that likes to spoil my bubble of hopes.
I just want your support.
Yes maybe I've become someone else.
Maybe you don't like it,
but for sure I know I hate what I've become.
I don't like it but I can't help to feel this way.
I hate those people who act like this and here I am becoming one of them.
But what can I do?
Sit here and wait for a miracle?
I have to do something about it too right?
Or I won't get anything from it.
Thinking, dreaming, hoping isn't enough.
Action needs to be done.
Please understand.

I apologize if I'm too much.
I apologize for becoming like this.

But try putting yourself in my shoes.
What if it was your position?
Won't you feel that exact same way too?
Yes, the feeling may not be mutual
but hey,
I'm asking you about your side, your feeling.
Not the other party.

I got up my courage and did what I could.
I don't know maybe it was nothing to you but it was a big deal for me.
I feel extremely stupid with everything that has been happening but I couldn't help it, this is just the way I feel.
Sometimes I get so sick of all this.
I wish I was back to how I use to be.
Feeling lost, hopeless and empty.
It's actually better than now.
But you,
you had to appear and look me in the eye.
And things went wrong ever since.
Return part of my heart back, please.
It would solve everything that is happening around me.

Just return it to me.

I really don't know how to survive this year.
Every time I think that it's going to be smooth I would start worry like some crazy old women.
Things doesn't really need to be this heard right?
I'm so worried.
And the fact that im grounded I can't go anywhere to release it.
So many things I wanna do to let it out but I'm not allowed too.
Sometimes I wonder am I killing myself.
With all the dreams and thoughts.
It's actually not that nice when you have so much faith and dreams about all the things you want to achieve.
I wanna go surfing and feel the waves.
I don't want to just sit here and watch a bunch of videos, I feel like I'm killing myself.
I wanna go skate to the skate park, I thought of it ever since I saw it but all I can do is sit in the car and pass by the same place again and again. And watch the people play.
It's really not fair at all.
It hurts to know you can only dream of it.
But I can't feel it.
It's like trying to grab hold of something in front of you yet you cant reach it.
It's really frustrating.
And being alone all the time it's so hard.
Sometimes I just wish someone can give me a hug and tell me it's okay the wait is worth it.
I wanna feel that joy in my heart. That joy that you can't help but smile. You can't hide it.
It's been awhile since I sincerely laugh and smile to something.
My heart is so farking heavy.
Whenever I call out to Jesus, it only makes me worst. I start crying.
I don't want to cry.
I don't even know why am I tearing.
Is my life really that pathetic?
Well, maybe.

Tell me it will be okay. Whoever you are.
Well maybe it wouldn't even work.


I just need.
something.

I can't let anyone in when it's not ready to face anybody.
No one in particular but it's afraid.
So I'll protect it.
It will be empty but this is the only way it won't get hurt.
It's my responsibility to guard it,
so that's what I'll do.

I don't want to see you anywhere.
I don't want to be near you.
I don't want to look into your eyes.
I don't want you to look into my eyes.
I don't want to admit it,

But it's everything that I honestly want. 

I just wanna go straight to 2013.
I think this explains more than enough.

This year is going to be:
stressful
boring
painful
moody
tiring
killer.

No wait I'll kill it first.

2012 you can kiss mah ass.
I'm gonna show you how I'm gonna do it.
Nothing is going to be my obstacles.

Watch me 2012.



 Urgh whatever grounded? It's okay. It's just a year right?