Nothing can motivate me to study.

做人为何要做到这样?

你真的很奇怪

好像认识我是个丢脸的事

我人不美不是我的错吧

可能你觉得我一点也不特别

那就算了吧

我也不明白我为什么那么在意

我觉得我很好笑第一次在这里打华文

更好笑的是刚刚写给了一个不会看华文字的人

我不讨厌华语只是当  我用了我会觉得我很恶心

Feeling satisfied when you achieved something you could never do.

It makes me feel like I could actually be good.

I could actually make them proud.

I feel good.

I felt awesome at that moment.

But it never last.

It always didnt.

Im farked up again.

Im my old self again.

That person that everyone knew she would fail.

That person that everyone know she wont make it.

That person that everyone thinks that shes just an empty shell.

I farked up.

Why?

Why cant I change permernently.

Why isnt it consistant?

Why isnt it the way I thought it would be?

Why cant I get what I want.

Why do I always feel confident and realize thats not how people thought of me.

So many question left unanswered. Theres one in particular, why am I in form 5?

I dont deserve this I should retain.

I should be in form 4 with the retainers because I deserve it.

I know no shyt.

Its so unfair to the rest that didnt make it.

People get shocked to realize ive made it to form 5.

Im shocked myself.

I thank God im here, but I really dont deserved any of this.

I fail in my studies

I fail in being consistant.

I fail keeping up with my schedule.

I fail in love.

I fail to be a good daughter.

I fail in being a sister that doesnt hear my sister talk.

I fail to be gentle to my friends, im too straightforward.

I fail to talk to harry, I freak out whenever I see him.

I fail for not being able to complete my to do list.

I fail to have a tone body and my dead line is so near.

Today regina ask me what should we buy? All Of our friends are planning to get something.

I replied, I wanna buy time.

Im so desperate to find more time.

I dont wanna rob the bank.

I wanna rob time.

I need time.

But I need rest but if I rest I have no more time.

Sleeping eats my time but if I dont sleep im a zombie living in this earth.

May the Lord be with me.

Being told that whatever I'm doing is meaningless.
It's like a slap across my face again.
I don't know how to feel at that moment.
Anger, disappointment and hurt poured over me,
but I just gave a smile to change everything.
That look on your face left me hopeless.
Why do you always have to do this?
Or are you my wake up call whenever it comes to this?
Or are you just that person that likes to spoil my bubble of hopes.
I just want your support.
Yes maybe I've become someone else.
Maybe you don't like it,
but for sure I know I hate what I've become.
I don't like it but I can't help to feel this way.
I hate those people who act like this and here I am becoming one of them.
But what can I do?
Sit here and wait for a miracle?
I have to do something about it too right?
Or I won't get anything from it.
Thinking, dreaming, hoping isn't enough.
Action needs to be done.
Please understand.

I apologize if I'm too much.
I apologize for becoming like this.

But try putting yourself in my shoes.
What if it was your position?
Won't you feel that exact same way too?
Yes, the feeling may not be mutual
but hey,
I'm asking you about your side, your feeling.
Not the other party.

I got up my courage and did what I could.
I don't know maybe it was nothing to you but it was a big deal for me.
I feel extremely stupid with everything that has been happening but I couldn't help it, this is just the way I feel.
Sometimes I get so sick of all this.
I wish I was back to how I use to be.
Feeling lost, hopeless and empty.
It's actually better than now.
But you,
you had to appear and look me in the eye.
And things went wrong ever since.
Return part of my heart back, please.
It would solve everything that is happening around me.

Just return it to me.

I really don't know how to survive this year.
Every time I think that it's going to be smooth I would start worry like some crazy old women.
Things doesn't really need to be this heard right?
I'm so worried.
And the fact that im grounded I can't go anywhere to release it.
So many things I wanna do to let it out but I'm not allowed too.
Sometimes I wonder am I killing myself.
With all the dreams and thoughts.
It's actually not that nice when you have so much faith and dreams about all the things you want to achieve.
I wanna go surfing and feel the waves.
I don't want to just sit here and watch a bunch of videos, I feel like I'm killing myself.
I wanna go skate to the skate park, I thought of it ever since I saw it but all I can do is sit in the car and pass by the same place again and again. And watch the people play.
It's really not fair at all.
It hurts to know you can only dream of it.
But I can't feel it.
It's like trying to grab hold of something in front of you yet you cant reach it.
It's really frustrating.
And being alone all the time it's so hard.
Sometimes I just wish someone can give me a hug and tell me it's okay the wait is worth it.
I wanna feel that joy in my heart. That joy that you can't help but smile. You can't hide it.
It's been awhile since I sincerely laugh and smile to something.
My heart is so farking heavy.
Whenever I call out to Jesus, it only makes me worst. I start crying.
I don't want to cry.
I don't even know why am I tearing.
Is my life really that pathetic?
Well, maybe.

Tell me it will be okay. Whoever you are.
Well maybe it wouldn't even work.


I just need.
something.

I can't let anyone in when it's not ready to face anybody.
No one in particular but it's afraid.
So I'll protect it.
It will be empty but this is the only way it won't get hurt.
It's my responsibility to guard it,
so that's what I'll do.

I don't want to see you anywhere.
I don't want to be near you.
I don't want to look into your eyes.
I don't want you to look into my eyes.
I don't want to admit it,

But it's everything that I honestly want.