I didn't like her.

Yes, i was childish.

I didn't like her because of personal reason,

and because of that I started to look at the negative side of her.

But I think of what I thought it seems all wrong. 

When I see her I gave her a smile,

which made me feel like a bitch.

Sometimes I feel like grabbing her hair and whack her face on the wall.

and there was me being all mean again.

I don't want to be that type of girls.

I didn't want to be a bitch who thinks and acts like one.

But I didn't want to be a fake smiling at her.

But if I don't smile it isn't nice too.

So I thought maybe I should just be nice to her and not hate her, everyone has their weakness and I shouldn't hate her at the start. I'm just being plain mean. Change. First time hating people, feels weird. 

I guess we'll experience all types of things in life. 

after all I'm only sixteen!

Officially sixteen. 

Sixteen. 

I'm not really matured yet.

My thinking. 

I don't know what I'm doing.

So much in mind but can't seem to do it.

Don't know what's holding me back,

I just didn't.

Not proud of my age for I have not achieved much.

I laugh everyday, 

laughing seems to take away most of my time.

Laughing over something you can't remember,

and it's a new day.

It's September now.

I'm not ready for many things.

Kept thinking about my dreams, my future and I've forgotten my present. 

I'm so worried.

But I found things to motivate me,

this time seems real.

I guess it's a good thing.

New start.

I said it probably 101 times.

This time it's official.

Always thought that this time it would be different.

But i was wrong.

I was always wrong.

From the first time.

To blind to trust you.

To blinded by everything.

Shouldn't even went there.

Shouldn't bring the walls down.

Shouldn't even be doing all this.

I don't know how many of them felt this same way.

Or maybe I'm just the only one feeling this way.

You should never came by.

I should never let you in.

But everything just went by so fast.

I remembered how I feel.

I realize it didn't change,

I'm just used to how it feels.

Seeing through the fog made me realize how I still feel.

It's good to know.

I guess sometimes we need to get hurt to realize it.

Don't come back.

But if you do.

I won't let you in this time.

I'm so effing worried right now.

It's so wrong.

What the eff am I even doing?

Rachel, you need to grow up.

You're officially ruining your life.

This is just the first step.

Stop it,

don't kill yourself.

If you care about it then do something about it.

When will you pull me out of the merry go round?

I need a direction.

Bring me out and tell me that I'll be safe.

Tell me you'll be the one that will stop this from happening.

And make me believe you.

I want to believe it.

I want to have a hope in it.

I want to know that this is real and not a fairy tale.

When will you be in my life?

And who will you be?

That stranger I do not know.

That stranger that will change everything that's happening.

That stranger that will bring me down and bring me back.

That stranger that will make me hate you and love you.

Only time will tell.

it happen too frequent that I fear it.

Telling myself it's over but I'm still scared.

Still holding that hope even though it would never happen.

Why are you so blind to even notice how I feel.

Or your faith is too small that you think it's impossible.

Yeah, I thought so too,

but it happen.

I'm trying to change it,

when my mind is made up,

I was ready to leave you came back.

You made me stayed and you were gone again.

I don't know what's really going on in that head of yours.

It made my heart warm when you were there close to me,

when you actually bothered to talk to me,

the things you did for me,

the way you cared for me.

But it hurts to see how you are out there,

thinking to myself what was I thinking.

But I still hold on.

Sometime it hurts so bad it's like someone squeezing your heart out.

But you didn't know.

Alex, you didn't know it's you.