when will you realize?

Afraid to get closer again knowing one day you'll be gone again,

it happen too frequent that I fear it.

Telling myself it's over but I'm still scared.
Still holding that hope even though it would never happen.
Why are you so blind to even notice how I feel.
Or your faith is too small that you think it's impossible.
Yeah, I thought so too,
but it happen.

I'm trying to change it,
when my mind is made up,
I was ready to leave you came back.
You made me stayed and you were gone again.
I don't know what's really going on in that head of yours.

It made my heart warm when you were there close to me,
when you actually bothered to talk to me,
the things you did for me,
the way you cared for me.

But it hurts to see how you are out there,
thinking to myself what was I thinking.
But I still hold on.
Sometime it hurts so bad it's like someone squeezing your heart out.

But you didn't know.
Alex, you didn't know it's you.

7:27 AM 0 PERMALINK

hide


I'm trying so hard to fit in.

I'm trying so hard not to fall.
I'm trying so hard to stay strong.
I'm trying so hard not to talk to myself.
I'm trying so hard to prove to everyone.
I'm trying so hard to not feel slow-witted.
I'm trying so hard not to say negative things about myself.
I'm trying so hard to smile sincerely.
I'm trying so hard to change.
I'm trying so hard to impress people.
I'm trying so hard to love myself.

I'm trying so hard to be perfect,
even though it's impossible.

I'm trying, I really am.
Please forgive me.



It's great to have that person beside you.
To hear you out, and actually listens and try to help.
If it's not real at least you did put on a good act.

4:48 AM 0 PERMALINK

I'll control you. Not the other way round.


The time is coming.

it's so near,
I can even smell it,
It's calling out to me,
Telling me to get ready for it.

My mine is ready but my heart is not,
I'm not ready to face it,
Kept having what if in my mind,
Worry to have the same expectation and outcome.

That brings me down constantly,
Trying to psycho my mind,
Trying to be absolutely positive,
But in the end I doubt myself.

Jesus is with me,
I have to keep remembering that,
HE'll show me the way,
and lead me out of these maze,
and in the end I'll be out from it.
And it's all because of HIM.
Without Him I'm nothing,
Jesus is the way the truth and the life,
That I believe.

I can't wait to use that phrase to all the people who looked down at me.
I won't let those people who believed in me feel disappointed and have the thought of me not changing.

I'll get my trust back.


10:59 PM 0 PERMALINK

Celebrate?


I'm so happy that Brooke Fraser song is on the radio :)
Really happy for her.
Can't wait for more of her <3
Really love her voice.
Her songs have different style to it.
I discovered her from hillsong united.
And I absolutely like her songs.
I hope her fans will also know hillsong from her.
And listen to their music and know Jesus.

10:11 PM 0 PERMALINK

hmm.

Maybe I just don't fit to have one.
Or like one.
When they turn out to be all the same.
Ha.
Maybe that's the way they are.
Or maybe they just move on because of they way I think.
I know I'm a difficult person.
Ha.

7:33 AM 0 PERMALINK

Trust --> Gone.



All this. I was at fault.

I wasn't mad.
Just hurt to know that that trust is gone.
But didn't know how to express.
Tears wasn't the answer.
Rachel kept scolding me if I cried.
I kept holding on.
She told me it's not worth it.
She kept calling me weak when tears filled up my eyes.
You should scold her not me.
But then again,
She was right anyway.

I guess too much excuse in the past has caused it.
I don't blame you.
But thanks for not believing in me.
More reason to prove.
I've change.
But you'll never get it.
I'm fine with that.
Because it's not important about what you think anymore.
It doesn't matters anymore.
I'm cool with that.

The reason I go to that path because I know what I'm good at and I wanna to work on it.
Only way I won't feel so useless.

She got nothing nice to say that's all.
All the things that came out from her mouth is just negative stuff.
If you realize.
She doesn't see the good in people.
Or maybe I have nothing good in me.
Or maybe just maybe,
She's a bitch.

I learn a new thing today.
You don't need to cut your wrist to feel better.
Cutting your hair is better.
It doesn't hurt.
And it will grow out sooner or later.
If you cut your wrist there will be a scar.

By the way before I end this,
You didn't owe me a living but trust.

8:26 PM 0 PERMALINK

..


Went to Jakarta and Bali this holiday. How was it? Great, I guess. Pretty messed up feeling when I was there. Have lots of thoughts going in my head. Lots of it. Kept thinking kept dreaming. Looking outside the window. Felt like a ghost walking around. Ghost doesn't seem to be the right word. An empty shell would be better.

Walking around and when people turn and stare, Sometimes I wonder was it my hair? Or something wrong with me? But the answer was easy. One word. Insecure. Ya, I always am.

Walking around, looking around. All I see was unfamiliar faces. Some stared at me a few times so I looked at them in the eyes. And there was nothing.

Kept trying and hoping to get to know someone there. Maybe I was feeling insecure. I wanted to know someone and to be known.

Walking around laughing talking bullshyt. Saying all those random stuff and just keep laughing. She asked me was I okay. The truth is I wasn't. Laughter was the best medicine. I believe in that. It really help me to forget many things.

Of course you can only run. But you can't hide from it.

Holiday was great. It was really a great escape. But my troubles never really left. But it made me forget them once in awhile. But I would say going on a holiday was addictive. I wanted more. I wanted to go on to the next plane than home. Just kept going around and explore.

Stayed home to much. I needed to see the outside world. Know what's really going on there than only to imagine all the false image in my head.

Came back home. And here I am sitting on front of the computer. That's the only thing I know? Sometimes I wonder. I cant' go out. So I tried. I didn't use the computer and went to my room. I was blank. I got nothing to do. I didn't even feel like touching my guitar.

Feel so useless.

6:41 AM 0 PERMALINK