I'll control you. Not the other way round.


The time is coming.

it's so near,
I can even smell it,
It's calling out to me,
Telling me to get ready for it.

My mine is ready but my heart is not,
I'm not ready to face it,
Kept having what if in my mind,
Worry to have the same expectation and outcome.

That brings me down constantly,
Trying to psycho my mind,
Trying to be absolutely positive,
But in the end I doubt myself.

Jesus is with me,
I have to keep remembering that,
HE'll show me the way,
and lead me out of these maze,
and in the end I'll be out from it.
And it's all because of HIM.
Without Him I'm nothing,
Jesus is the way the truth and the life,
That I believe.

I can't wait to use that phrase to all the people who looked down at me.
I won't let those people who believed in me feel disappointed and have the thought of me not changing.

I'll get my trust back.


10:59 PM 0 PERMALINK

Celebrate?


I'm so happy that Brooke Fraser song is on the radio :)
Really happy for her.
Can't wait for more of her <3
Really love her voice.
Her songs have different style to it.
I discovered her from hillsong united.
And I absolutely like her songs.
I hope her fans will also know hillsong from her.
And listen to their music and know Jesus.

10:11 PM 0 PERMALINK

hmm.

Maybe I just don't fit to have one.
Or like one.
When they turn out to be all the same.
Ha.
Maybe that's the way they are.
Or maybe they just move on because of they way I think.
I know I'm a difficult person.
Ha.

7:33 AM 0 PERMALINK

Trust --> Gone.



All this. I was at fault.

I wasn't mad.
Just hurt to know that that trust is gone.
But didn't know how to express.
Tears wasn't the answer.
Rachel kept scolding me if I cried.
I kept holding on.
She told me it's not worth it.
She kept calling me weak when tears filled up my eyes.
You should scold her not me.
But then again,
She was right anyway.

I guess too much excuse in the past has caused it.
I don't blame you.
But thanks for not believing in me.
More reason to prove.
I've change.
But you'll never get it.
I'm fine with that.
Because it's not important about what you think anymore.
It doesn't matters anymore.
I'm cool with that.

The reason I go to that path because I know what I'm good at and I wanna to work on it.
Only way I won't feel so useless.

She got nothing nice to say that's all.
All the things that came out from her mouth is just negative stuff.
If you realize.
She doesn't see the good in people.
Or maybe I have nothing good in me.
Or maybe just maybe,
She's a bitch.

I learn a new thing today.
You don't need to cut your wrist to feel better.
Cutting your hair is better.
It doesn't hurt.
And it will grow out sooner or later.
If you cut your wrist there will be a scar.

By the way before I end this,
You didn't owe me a living but trust.

8:26 PM 0 PERMALINK

..


Went to Jakarta and Bali this holiday. How was it? Great, I guess. Pretty messed up feeling when I was there. Have lots of thoughts going in my head. Lots of it. Kept thinking kept dreaming. Looking outside the window. Felt like a ghost walking around. Ghost doesn't seem to be the right word. An empty shell would be better.

Walking around and when people turn and stare, Sometimes I wonder was it my hair? Or something wrong with me? But the answer was easy. One word. Insecure. Ya, I always am.

Walking around, looking around. All I see was unfamiliar faces. Some stared at me a few times so I looked at them in the eyes. And there was nothing.

Kept trying and hoping to get to know someone there. Maybe I was feeling insecure. I wanted to know someone and to be known.

Walking around laughing talking bullshyt. Saying all those random stuff and just keep laughing. She asked me was I okay. The truth is I wasn't. Laughter was the best medicine. I believe in that. It really help me to forget many things.

Of course you can only run. But you can't hide from it.

Holiday was great. It was really a great escape. But my troubles never really left. But it made me forget them once in awhile. But I would say going on a holiday was addictive. I wanted more. I wanted to go on to the next plane than home. Just kept going around and explore.

Stayed home to much. I needed to see the outside world. Know what's really going on there than only to imagine all the false image in my head.

Came back home. And here I am sitting on front of the computer. That's the only thing I know? Sometimes I wonder. I cant' go out. So I tried. I didn't use the computer and went to my room. I was blank. I got nothing to do. I didn't even feel like touching my guitar.

Feel so useless.

6:41 AM 0 PERMALINK

Whatever I was thinking about.


The moment you thought that this is going to be something new, something different. But it never lasted. It always never lasted. It was always never the way we thought it would be.


Well, I don't know about you but that's I think.

My name is Rachel. I'm not tall. I'm not who I think I should be. I follow my feelings a lot. I'm emotional. I think I have split personality. I think I have depression. But usually when you think you have this and that actually you don't like they say a drunken would never say that they're drunk, So I guess I'm fine. I talk to myself often. I was told I could be a script writer. I want to be an actress. I love to act. Why do I love to act? Because I can be someone I'm not. I want to run away from me. But I can't so I try to be someone else. I'm good at it. I'm still in high school. I hate books, school books to be specific. I hate the fact I'm studying in the school I didn't want to be study in. I hate the fact that I'm doing the same routine again and again.

I hate the fact that I don't fight for what I want. I hate the fact that I lost hope on trying to fight for what I want. I hate the fact that I hold back my feelings. I hate the fact that I tell myself that I'm strong but I'm not. I hate the fact that I look up the sky and blink my eyes so that the tears wouldn't flow. I hate the fact that I take a deep breath and tell myself everything is going to be okay.

I hate the fact that I always imagine things that aren't real. I hate the fact that I convince myself that I'm a positive person.

I hate the fact that I'm starting to like you. I hate the fact that you're leaving. I hate the fact that you disappeared. I hate the fact that you didn't even say goodbye. I hate the fact that you went away. I hate the fact that you choose the other decision when you'll face the same consequences in the end. I hate the fact that you gave it a try. I hate the fact that I still hope that you remember what you promise me the other day. I hate the fact that you gave me hope. I hate the fact that I smile and jump when I see your name. I hate the fact that you didn't even say your last good night.


I hate...

I hate the fact that I hate so many things.

3:38 AM 0 PERMALINK

Wish you the worst.


My body is awake but my mind is not.
My heart, my eyes are heavy.
Waking up in the morning wasn't something I wanted.
It's not something that I wish would happen.
I was back to reality.
I tried to sleep. Hoping I was asleep.
I closed my eyes. I wasn't here again.
In that dream. You were there.
It's kinda weird why you randomly appeared in my dreams.
I guess I'm thinking about you too much.

Waking up. Thinking about what happen.
Thinking about the same thing last night.
Couldn't sleep.
But in the end I still did.
I just want to sleep for the whole day.
But I didn't had the rights to do that.
I have to start studying.
Not something I like.
But I guess we can't always do what we like.
(laughs)

What happen between us.
I have no idea.
I just hope everything would end.
I guess.
Both of you.
Yeah.
I'm waiting for that moment I can turn to my friend and say,
"Hey I guess it's my turn to sing my song."
Ha.
Let's wait to find out.
I'll wait even if you don't.

It's going to be the "best" chapter of my life.

5:39 PM 0 PERMALINK