It was something I never expected.
But yes, I did hope.

But It was just at the back of my mind.
I tried to put that thought aside.

And yes, it happened.

The feeling of it was great.
But yet it hurts because I have to cherish every moment.
It hurts to know you can't do what you want anymore.
It hurts to know that this time you have to stop following your feelings.

I didn't dare to look nor think about it.
But it was hard not too.
It was hard to focus on whatever that was happening.

Trying to do every small little things.
Just holding a hope.
And yes it came again.
But it didn't lasted.

It's also good to know about the things that you were trying to figure out for days.
It made me smile and sigh at the same time.
Both feelings mixed up.
Yet you can't even use a word to describe it.

Making a decision you think you're so brave, so thoughtful.
But part of you kept trying to do something stupid.
Something to avoid feeling down.
But deep down you know that you will have to face the problems again.
So why not now than later?
Sigh.

Thank you. It felt great.

I don't know why God keep putting me in such situation.

Maybe because I have to learn from those mistake and change it.

Ya i know exactly what I'm going to do now.

But it's so hard to change it.

What the eff am I gonna do now?

I mean like seriously.

Why this again?

Urgh. But this time is different.

But I know it's not gonna end beautifully.

So I have to change it.

But it's so hard.

I guess I just need some time to think it over.

But I still have to stick to that decision.

I will. Eventually.

People always say happy ever after. But do they really know what happen after that? Happy ending was just a start of something new.


Just one sentence and he just left her there. Alone. Waiting.

She waited for confirmation. She was confuse over everything. Wondering why all of the sudden he decided to just put this a break.

She had her pride. She waited for him to look for her. But he didn't.

She kept wanting to know what she did wrong. She tried to change hoping he would be back to love her like he used too.

Now wherever she went. Memories poured back into her mind. It hurts her badly. But she told herself to be strong and to hold on.

Everyday she hope she could see him. But he was never there.

She's still waiting for that moment he would come back to say how stupid he was. But part of her knew it was impossible.

She still counted the days they were together.

She wished this feeling would stop, but she love him too much. To the point it hurts.

She cries when something occurred her.

She blames herself again and again, and never blames him.

But, no matter how sad she was. She never hurt herself physically.
Which for me I thought was a good thing. No many girls would do that.
Seeing her like this at some point, I felt her pain. For some reason I just did.


She thinks he's probably avoiding all this.

He looks normal on the outside but is he in the inside?

He laughs everyday and talk bullshyt but is he really over it.

Probably he is or he wouldn't even did what he did at the start.

But does she knows what was he up to?

Does she knows he's talking to another girl? Does she know what he tells her?

If she does. I will feel even bad for her. But she should move on. That's the only way. After all he's not the type of guy she needs.

He's not that good after all but she needed him.

Girl, if he left you once he could left you twice.

Give it up.

So I heard that they're gonna make a sequels for Percy Jackson. Heard this news for quite some time already. Couldn't find any auditions, nothing. I don't have an agent or anything else. Couldn't contact, Google doesn't seem to offer a good answer. Hmm..

Feeling disappointed about it, because I heard they already have their cast. I was really thinking about the role Thalia. But they have not confirm about it, so I guess I still do have a chance. I ain't giving up on it! :)

I just really hope someone or something will just show up and give me an answer. I know I should be searching for them, I mean who would know who am I, but I really can't find a thing! Plus, the location I am now, hard. I just really am desperate for it. I love this novel and really do want to be part of it.

I'll just trust in the Lord. Have faith and believe. :)

Rachel.

Okay, just gonna type whatever comes to mind.

I love Norah Jones. She's so awesome! I love her voice. Ahh.. Her song are just.Ahh.. Haha..

Discovered a new band. Name: Angus and Julia stone. Beautiful. Why don't I know anyone with voice like that? The girl's voice is unique too. :) You guys have to so check them out! XD

Sad thing I can only listen to them on the computer.

My wish list. I want an Ipod touch!!

I lost my mood o type my blog post. But since I'm half way here why not right?

Mid year exams. zzz.. The problem with me. I guess I don't always use my brain that much to the fact that I"m studying and sleeping really late at night makes me very exhausted.

I really can't wait for the holidays to come. But it seems so far away! :(

It's been awhile since I wrote about heart breaks and all those bull shyt haha.. Well, I don't think I'll be writing stuff like this soon. My life has been really dull. I'm painting colors into it so I guess my future would be a lot interesting haha..

Acting. When will be the day? I'm so excited.

I wanna learn the piano.

I wanna learn parkour.

I wanna learn skateboarding.

I wanna learn...........................................

So many things. Yet I'm not interested on my studies :D (hmm.. I shouldn't be proud of that) Ha.

I'll be honest with you the next time.

I wanna meet Logan Lerman.

I wanna buy another converse shoe.

Maybe I should check out Vans. They're beautiful.

I wanna cut my hair and feel that excitement.

Kings of leons. Caleb followill voice is so sexay. haha..

Facebook. What was I doing when it didn't exist? I don't remember.

I love drawing on my hand. It gets addicted. At first I wrote on it because I'm forgetful. It's my paper. My to do list since my hand phone is so 'high tech' it doesn't have stuff like that. But I'm afraid to get skin cancer :/ haha..

I'm thinking of supper. Hmm...

Hillsong is nice too. Awesome music.

I love Jesus XD

Hmm.. So logan's twitter is real. I wish he would update more often X( haha..

Malay test up next! Grrrr....

I have to start exercising.

Okay, gotta stop Shan is calling me to watch the gates. tehee..

You guys take care alright? <3 xoxo

You're a stranger.
Yet you kept approaching me.
You kept calling me.
You make me someone I'm not.
You make me feel like I didn't do anything wrong.
You blur my vision.
You ask me to do stupid things that I shouldn't do.
You change me at that split second.

I really don't know you.
I kept asking you to leave.
I kept crying.
I kept running.
I kept cursing you.
I told you to shut your mouth.
I told to stop asking me to cut my wrist.
I told you to get out.

Yet you never reply.

I sat there.
I was blank.
I felt like I was staring into space.
I felt like I wasn't me.
I felt like you're trying to kill me.
I felt like you're a devil.

I keep calling Jesus.
I was crying.
I keep talking to him.
I was asking Him to help me.
I felt safe.
I told him I was sorry for not controlling.
I felt His presence.
I kept speaking in tongue.
I told Him that I love him.

You were gone.
You weren't there.
You know you'll be back.

I'll shall tell you.

Rachel.

Stop it.
Stop trying to do that.
Stay away from me.
I don't need your bullshit.
Stay out.


My another half.


Stop it.

Okay a post of frustration. Ha.

Today just isn't my day. F*cked up actually.

I knew something was coming. I sense it. No wonder I felt so darn tired and down.

Whole day is like problems to problems just keeps coming. It's like people trowing stones at you at once and you can't avoid not even one of it.

I tried my best to solve it. Hard shyt. But I kept praying talking to God to help me through. I guess that's why I love being alone. I get to talk to God at the time.

Walking alone speaking in tongues but kinda afraid walking pass people, they would think somethings wrong with me. But I just continue with it.

Coming back home, having a headache which was already been there the whole day just trying my best to ignore it. I fell asleep on the living room floor for an hour. Woke up went for tea break and came back.

Decided to watch Percy Jackson. Watching him made me feel better. Soothe me down. I needed him. Which was sick to the core. Ha. Watch and exercise. Ahh.. I feel much better. But not for long.

After cycling for eighty minutes. The movie wasn't done. So I sat there to finished it. Someone calls me and say whowho wants to watch her show. But hey it's not time yet HELLO!~ silents. ahh... continue watching. But it didn't last long. Boom. I had enough of all the nonsense. I change the channel and went up. F it.

Seriously! We have 3 televisions in the house. Okay let's count it two. Since you can't use the other one. What's wrong watching with the other tv?! Ohh is it too small or what huh?? Can't you see I'm watching mine. When I'm done you can watch yours alright?

Then something made it worse. The whowho actually didn't mind watching with that tv. It's the whowhowho who suggested no you should go down and watch. Urgh! I don't like watching things half way. Oh I get it I watched it more than once but it's different! I hate it!

My day is getting worse alright?! I feel awful. I feel like things isn't working hard no matter how hard I tried. I did my best but.. Still there wasn't any good thing in it. I had enough. I'm tired of this. I'm good in a lot of things but not this. Just let me go for want I can do than this. I'm tired. And I hate wasting my time on something that doesn't have progress. Urgh.. Please. Or I'm gonna blow.

There's no cliff for me to jump to feel better. There's no private place where I can go to let everything out. Place where only I know. There's no pool for me to jump in and feel like I'm drowning to feel better. There's no place for me to just shout and let everything out.

All I have is my cluttered room with no privacy. But yet I could tear there. And cry like a freaking big baby. Yes. I admit I'm weak in the inside. But we all have that right? Just that our tolerant levels are different.

I'm sure mine are stronger than yours because I hide things to myself for a long time yet I could still laugh like nothings wrong. Or am I just a better actor than you are? Or am I a better runner than you. I can run away from things longer.

But we're still human in the end. We get tired and the troubles still chase after you. And there you are again. Down. That's life. I'll get used to it.