" I want so much out of life. Feels like someone is pressing hard against me, killing me softly. To the point you can't even speak but just stare at things around you, See how people live their life, wonder how they feel, are they happy or sad. Do they know their purpose in life? Or are they just living their life waiting for death to come. And just earn as much money as they can to survive. Are they in pain? Are they suffocating like me? Seems to me I'm like a doll, a puppet being control by the one who raise me, Choices they make to mold me into something I don't wanna be. I'm holding a scissors trying to cut the strings while their strong and firm hand grabs me until I can't move but twitch, I'm a puppet who wants to be free and  won't stop till I'm where I want to  be. "
                                                                                                                                                      13.11.11

Something I wrote behind my novel. I find it kinda funny and scary when I was typing it out. One of my crazy moments LOL..

Well, It's 2012 now! Happy new year everyone!!

Things that happened 2011?
1. Did lots of DIYs
2. Another Converse shoe belongs to me now (:
3. Went Bali & Jakarta
4. Tried body boarding
5. Made old-new friends. LOL.. So weird combination. But yeah we're back to normal (;
6. Rolled in permas jusco, Cs & school. Like literally.
7. Learning dancing & skateboarding!
8. Made it to Form 5.
9. Made new awesome friends.
10. Went Sentosa SG for the first time & went there twice!
11. Went Aquaria KLCC for the first time too!
12. Went Sunway Lagoon.
13. Read 5 novels? Can't rmb.
14. Didn't watched that much movie as 2010 LOL
15.  Got close with my baby cousin, which like I'm so not good with kids. So it's a miracle  :p
16. Started exercising!
17. Did hosting for SR Recital.
18. Learnt the ukulele (sort of)
19. Had 8 ulcers in my mouth!
20. Design, draw and paint my classroom wall :D
22. Cut Katy Perry hairstyle & my trade mark super short hair (Again)
23. Learnt to be more expressive XP
24. I was as hype as ever.
25. I love Regina even more XD
26. Relationship with God has increase!
27. Still single since I came out from my mum's womb. (Should I be proud? LOL)
28. Learnt to keep my walls up.
29. Learnt to give my troubles to God.

Yeah. There's good and bad stuff, from what I remember it's just this few.
and it's time to put it in the pass and focus on next year! I mean this year >< Gotta get use to it! 2012 <3 <3
Love it. Love it. Learning to (:
2011 was awesome but I'm sure 2012 will be better! And 2012 movie has to be move from the action side to the comedy corner :p (read that on twitter)

So I'm going to fast, starting tomorrow! Which is technically today. For 21 days (:
So I'm going on beverage fast and internet! Sobbies. Going to be hard but I'm doing it. Just got a feeling inside me that I have too. So it's just 21 days! I can do it. Gonna disappear from facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc. Maybe I'll realize life isn't all about all this (:

Gonna miss much.

All the hoping, I have to wait till it's over first. After all God first eh? (:

I can do it. After that yeah.. I'll be back for more updates! 

P.s I miss the beach ):

Finished reading a book titled " The society of others" by William Nicholson, bought it at my school book fair(But I'm sure the school doesn't know what's inside. There's like curse words and stuff..), was well attracted by the cover. Well, naturally.
They didn't say much on the description all it had was
" My late father says, 'Your mother tells me you spend all day shut up in your room.'
I say, 'She does not lie.'
He says. 'There's a big wide world out there. You're not going anywhere so long as you stay shut up in our room.'
I say, 'There's nowhere to go' "

For some reason it made me feel like this is going to be a good book, he's probably going out there. Since I can't run at least I could read a story about someone who get out there for an adventure. And I'll just imagine I'm on my way out of house. To explore the world.

So yeah. This guy has a well, very negative personality but for some reason the stuff he says kinda make sense in his own way. Well his expect of life :

" This big wide world: first of all, it's not so big and wide. Really the world is only as big as your experience of it, which is not big at all. And what sort of world is it? I would characterizes it as a remote, uninterested, unpredictable, dangerous, and unjust. When I was small I thought the world was like my parents, only bigger. I thought it watched me and clapped when I danced. This is not so. The world is not watching and will never clap. My father doesn't get this, he's still dancing. It makes me quite sad to see him.
Cat says my world view lacks depth and is merly bitterness. I dispute this. I feel no bitterness. I see things as they are. Nature is selfish. All creatures kill to survive. Love is a mechanism to propagate the species. Beauty is a trick that fades. Friendship is an arrangement for mutual advantage. Goodness is not rewarded, and evil is not punished. Religion is superstition. Death is annihilation. And as for God, if he exist at all he stopped caring for humankind centuries ago.
Wouldn't you?
  So why leave my room? "

There's a few part which strike me, and some that I liked, like :
"Poems are for showing how clever you are, and for putting in books, and for making people write in exams. They're just another way to make people like me feel stupid."

"They're like ageing women who've stopped looking in mirrors. That way you're always young, always beautiful."

"I will not die for what I believe in because what I believe in is life."

"We thieves, we wild men, we gun-toting terrorist, have a wedding to attend."

"Oh my mother.
I never thanked you for holding me in your arms. I never knew that you were always there. I only knew that when I needed you, you never failed me. Did your life stop for me, or did it go on but in some changed way? Love me always but don't love me too much. I can't bear it. I can't repay. Please understand I'm not cruel and without heart, but I will leave you."

"When I don't need you any more I'll start loving you, and that way when you die I'm the one with broken heart. Let that be my repayment."

" 'So you're agreeing with me?'
  'Not agreeing, no. I'm listening. '
' I thought this was suppose to be an argument.'
'Not at all. Arguments are for winning and losing. What use is that?'
'If you win and argument, that proves you're right.'
'Not at all. It only proves you 're better at arguing.'
'So that's good.'
'How is it good? It seems to me that it gets you no future than you were before. We might as well stand in the rain and piss at each other.' "

" 'What do you see?'
'A rod. snow. Sky.'
'And me, I see the ditch that runs beside the road, and the ice in the ditch, and the sunlight on the ice.'
'I see all that too. I could have said that.'
'But you chose to see one thing, And i another. We're both right. We invent nothing. We select. We each make our own world, out of the common store that is reality.' "

"It's funny about people's faces. If you look at them for long enough they stop being beautiful or ugly and become just themselves. Then you see they couldn't be any other way because that person's life has formed his face, and if you love him you love his face the way it is."

" Then as she's looking at me she slips into this parallel universe or something because for a moment she seems quite different. It's like seeing a small child hiding in her face, peeping out, not knowing I can see her. This small child is so lovely and so unaware that the sight of her makes me catch my breath surprise. I've forgotten that people can be without guile, She's so fragile, so bound to be hurt. I almost cry out loud.
'What?' say Am.
'You'. I say.
'What about me?'
'You beautiful.' "

 It's a good novel. Go get one (:

Sometimes we just get worry over things that aren't that bad or
I should say, I just get worry over things that aren't that bad.
I over think things too much sometimes. too much. It actually kills me inside.
I feel like an old lady going over and over again about one small little situation. One small mistake I call it which actually, nothing. We people.    Correction. I.
I am absolutely crazy.
My mind is like... I keep talking to myself...

In the end.
I should just leave my troubles to
My friend.
My love.
My provider.
My hope.
My father.
My strength.
My freedom.
My healer.
My God.
He's everything.
And He's everything I need.

Even when everyone leaves.
He will still be there smiling to me telling me leave it me and I'll give you rest.

So, I, Rachel, should stop worrying all the time but leave everything to Him.


Called out to him talk to Him like a friend,
He's there,
You'll be surprise.

Give it a try, reader.

(:

xoxo

Looks like things are going to change so soon,
come to think about it I'm not ready at all.
But I don't want this to be like one of those lip service thing going on,
don't want that some routine again and again.
The doubts, disappointments, worries, etc.



I don't want this year to end,
I feel like perter pan.
wow, it actually rhymes 

One of those moment when we just sit there and daydream and think about yourself.
Gosh, what I've become.
It's the most weirdest wrong feeling I have.
Or feelings?
Imma disgusting person.
LOL?
So easily affected,
control,
felt,
move.

Stupid.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha!

Ha?




People can actually do that?
Idk.


Maybe I'm just lost.
Don't know where I have to stand.
Or maybe I just never picked it.
I mean how am I suppose to pick?
It's so easy, but confusing.

I hate it.
Why do we need this anyway?
Why do we need to feel this way?

Somethings are created and we just don't have a clue about it.
Example, why am I here?
Probably I'll be someone who will meant somebody in their life.
Their helper and friend in time of need.
We all have a role to play.


Maybe one day someone out there will also make me feel like a actually exist.