Knowing that im waking up every morning feeling like part of me was missing but realising that he doesnt feel the same way, the fact that he's probably enjoying his peaceful life makes me feel like I am short changing myself. I can look at it in a two way, he didnt care and maybe I deserve better, I should have a men that values me to a point he cant lose me. But if I look at it at another way because call me skeptical but when I hear about this sentence 'You deserve a better man.' *Roll eyes*
Because that's the most common comforting words people use. So Looking at another perspective, yes he made me better person, he made me realise a lot of things. But was I doing the same for him? Was my existence making him be better? If not, why?

People are afraid to lose the people around them because of how that person affect them so much in their life but some doesnt feel it because you werent an impact in their life.
Then this made more sense to me.

That's why I believe I should wake up with a purpose & that's to be better than I was before. It wasnt about the empty heart anymore but a mission that reminds me that today, Im going to improve myself.

& Im very bless to have this platform that obviously enables me to improve so much as a human being, as a lady. So that in the future I am able to support and help my man & vice versa.

Throughout those journey, it was a short journey but it was good times. I never felt like this before, I was actually happy & comfortable around him? The fact that the things he actually did for me was pretty surprising. It's probably a big move for him even though people would probably think it's nothing much but i appreciate the things he did. But I didnt did much. I wanted to ask him about how he was, how was his day, where he was. But it somehow just doesnt seem to make sense to ask. I keep giving distance. I felt that maybe he wouldn't want me to ask those question either. So much of holding back, I had a chance but I never said a word but right now I will never get a chance to anymore. Everything was just 'If only' But I guess this are lessons I learn now. At least I learn right?


God knew what to do, He closed the door for a chance for me to be a better person. He closed the door so I can spend my love with God. When will He open the door again? I do not know but I have to admit I do dream of that door to open again.

But I just need to be better. I'm 21 this year & I'm far from being what a 21 should be. I need to grow up, mature myself & have more achievements in life.

I guess in bad situation there's always a good reason behind it.


17.01.16

As her heart beats, anxiety pumped through her vessel passing through her mind causing her to become delusional. Panicking over small little situation, breathing heavily, looking at the screen on her phone as people around her turn their backs against her, telling her to stop, told her to forget it.

'It's ruining you, I cant let that happen.'

How they believe in their thoughts, taking things into their own hands because they think it's the only way to protect me. Without knowing it hurt me more than anything. Betraying me with their own believe.


'You deserve better' & what is it that I deserve? Betrayal?


I looked around me and wondered whats real and whats not. It became so confusing. I didnt want to turn to you but I couldnt help it. As I waited, waited for a respond, I went mentally insane. Here I was again, panic attack.
Back when the time I freaked out at the side on the road crying because the cars scares me. They were moving so fast, I wasnt sure what I was suppose to do. I just sat there and cry. Breathing heavily wondering what's happening to me. Why I couldnt take it. Rachel breathe, calm down. You're okay. You overcome this before. Dont be freak out over this attack. Look up. Dont let your tears fall anymore.


Anxiety strikes as it made me want to scream. Even those tv drama couldnt distract me. Then it happen. Spiting out words of hurt &; ugliness. It's funny how actions of concern turn into words of anger. I got mad about everything. I hated my existence. Then reality strikes, this time I didnt make the stand. He did. Just when I thought no one could stop me but he could.
I could never find him ever again. My dad's wish has turn into reality. He proved my dad right & I hated it. Why someone keep making them think they're right when they werent.
I realise everything doesnt mean anything anymore. Another essay will only send me to hell. But he'll never know the truth. Maybe he doesnt even need it because he doesnt care anyway.
My existence didnt matter & it was best I was out of his life. I kept ruining his life. I broke his peace, I broke my pride. Everything was broken. There it was our last conversation. So much words but so much silents.


Nothing's fair.
Someone will lose, someone will gain.
Cycle of life.


I was mad & I burn him down, He was mad but he didnt burn me down. He just left. Left in stress & pain.


I just wanted a hug & know that everything is going to be okay.


You just wanted to be alone,
You didn't want people to disturb your peaceful life.
You didn't like people intruding into your zone.

You could have just told me you were stressed out.
You could have let me know you wanted to be alone.
I would have given you time.
I would have given you space.


I didnt knew & I didnt knew I wasnt suppose to count on you when in times of trouble.
I didnt knew that I wasnt suppose to believe in you.
I didnt knew that I wasnt suppose to see you as someone I could share my good and bad.
I didnt knew that.


What's done is done.


I will always keep you in prayer.



You've always been a good friend.
Even though this argument was an incident that shouldn't have happen but you made me realise how much has been going on in your life. How stress you were. How you need your own space to breathe. How you just needed time to think. I was just impatient & mean. How this has been affecting you but you act like it was nothing. How much you have conceal yourself. But Im glad you manage to let it out. I hope you felt better after saying it out. I wanted to meet you & ask you how were you doing but I didnt had the chance to. I was so consume with my problems I didnt ask you anymore but those last words, It brought me to a smile. It brought me to comfort.


Whatever it is I hope you come to a realisation & reflect about everything. Ive been worrying for you but I know God will take good care of you (:

Remember God is always there waiting for you, learn to lean on Him, trust in Him, leave your trouble to Him, let Him guide you through.

Remember those message He pass to you through me, those scriptures He gave you too. Look back at them, take them seriously & find the purpose He has for you.


Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”


01.12.16

I have never felt this depressed for so long.
Suddenly everything just came down.
I'm not too sure why this feeling is coming to me again..
I'm scared.
Scared of this feeling that's eating me alive again.
I don't want it but I don't know how to stop it.

It's so uncomfortable.
I cant believe I had this feeling for years.
I manage to left it for a little while.
Here it is & it came to say hi again and ruin me slowly.

A piece of me gone missing.
I was selfish,
I was afraid,

Because I found joy & it had to leave me.

It played with me,

I saw a hope when I was drowning,
that hand grabbed me up,
opened my eyes,
my smile reflect it.

But it was gone now.

I stood in that cold room while everyone talked,
the noise was loud but my heart was silent.
My mind was racing,
unsure what was this.

But I had nothing but my phone to hold on to.

The cold wind blew my hair and I wondered about the months that had gone by,
the things I have never expected just disappeared.
Who was I and what do I really want.

That joy that seems to be there but the light dimmed lightly,
as it couldn't save itself either,
the wind, the stress blowing it away.

Both candles dying away, trying to help each other light up,
but they couldn't even handle the wind to save themselves.

They had no ying but only yang.

Impossible,
I was told.

Similarity was impossible,
they say the imperfection will never be filled.


But,

Is it even suppose to be fill?


27.11.15

Human. 

Some how i just felt like it was time for me to prepare,
prepare my heart for what that has been holding it whole.
Knowing what maybe coming,
i told myself it's okay.
just moving on and look over the hope of another keeper.

you smiled at the things i teased,
you frown as i gave sarcastic remarks,
you become worry when i never say a word,
but all this will be gone because you will never care,
and my silents wouldnt matter.

i never thought the time we have is only for a short while,
i thought i would be the last and the longest.
but here she is coming into the world of us.
ive never welcome her presence.
you put her away for my anxiety to be a past.

you smiled at the things i teased,
you frown as i gave sarcastic remarks,
you become worry when i never say a word,
but all this will be gone because you will never care,
and my silents wouldnt matter.

the scene of her message that light up your phone,
will probably be the light to your life.
the scene of your smile that i manage to put on your face,
will probably be the last of it.
the scene of your frown that proved for i've hurt you
will probably be turn upside down.
the scene of your worry eyes when im sad,
will probably be gone.

Because there's no more love,
nothing I do would affect you anymore.
But everything between us which will be pass on to both of you,
will be a memory lane for me.

'You look great today."