As her heart beats, anxiety pumped through her vessel passing through her mind causing her to become delusional. Panicking over small little situation, breathing heavily, looking at the screen on her phone as people around her turn their backs against her, telling her to stop, told her to forget it.

'It's ruining you, I cant let that happen.'

How they believe in their thoughts, taking things into their own hands because they think it's the only way to protect me. Without knowing it hurt me more than anything. Betraying me with their own believe.


'You deserve better' & what is it that I deserve? Betrayal?


I looked around me and wondered whats real and whats not. It became so confusing. I didnt want to turn to you but I couldnt help it. As I waited, waited for a respond, I went mentally insane. Here I was again, panic attack.
Back when the time I freaked out at the side on the road crying because the cars scares me. They were moving so fast, I wasnt sure what I was suppose to do. I just sat there and cry. Breathing heavily wondering what's happening to me. Why I couldnt take it. Rachel breathe, calm down. You're okay. You overcome this before. Dont be freak out over this attack. Look up. Dont let your tears fall anymore.


Anxiety strikes as it made me want to scream. Even those tv drama couldnt distract me. Then it happen. Spiting out words of hurt &; ugliness. It's funny how actions of concern turn into words of anger. I got mad about everything. I hated my existence. Then reality strikes, this time I didnt make the stand. He did. Just when I thought no one could stop me but he could.
I could never find him ever again. My dad's wish has turn into reality. He proved my dad right & I hated it. Why someone keep making them think they're right when they werent.
I realise everything doesnt mean anything anymore. Another essay will only send me to hell. But he'll never know the truth. Maybe he doesnt even need it because he doesnt care anyway.
My existence didnt matter & it was best I was out of his life. I kept ruining his life. I broke his peace, I broke my pride. Everything was broken. There it was our last conversation. So much words but so much silents.


Nothing's fair.
Someone will lose, someone will gain.
Cycle of life.


I was mad & I burn him down, He was mad but he didnt burn me down. He just left. Left in stress & pain.


I just wanted a hug & know that everything is going to be okay.


You just wanted to be alone,
You didn't want people to disturb your peaceful life.
You didn't like people intruding into your zone.

You could have just told me you were stressed out.
You could have let me know you wanted to be alone.
I would have given you time.
I would have given you space.


I didnt knew & I didnt knew I wasnt suppose to count on you when in times of trouble.
I didnt knew that I wasnt suppose to believe in you.
I didnt knew that I wasnt suppose to see you as someone I could share my good and bad.
I didnt knew that.


What's done is done.


I will always keep you in prayer.



You've always been a good friend.
Even though this argument was an incident that shouldn't have happen but you made me realise how much has been going on in your life. How stress you were. How you need your own space to breathe. How you just needed time to think. I was just impatient & mean. How this has been affecting you but you act like it was nothing. How much you have conceal yourself. But Im glad you manage to let it out. I hope you felt better after saying it out. I wanted to meet you & ask you how were you doing but I didnt had the chance to. I was so consume with my problems I didnt ask you anymore but those last words, It brought me to a smile. It brought me to comfort.


Whatever it is I hope you come to a realisation & reflect about everything. Ive been worrying for you but I know God will take good care of you (:

Remember God is always there waiting for you, learn to lean on Him, trust in Him, leave your trouble to Him, let Him guide you through.

Remember those message He pass to you through me, those scriptures He gave you too. Look back at them, take them seriously & find the purpose He has for you.


Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”


01.12.16