my soon to be memory lane

Some how i just felt like it was time for me to prepare,
prepare my heart for what that has been holding it whole.
Knowing what maybe coming,
i told myself it's okay.
just moving on and look over the hope of another keeper.

you smiled at the things i teased,
you frown as i gave sarcastic remarks,
you become worry when i never say a word,
but all this will be gone because you will never care,
and my silents wouldnt matter.

i never thought the time we have is only for a short while,
i thought i would be the last and the longest.
but here she is coming into the world of us.
ive never welcome her presence.
you put her away for my anxiety to be a past.

you smiled at the things i teased,
you frown as i gave sarcastic remarks,
you become worry when i never say a word,
but all this will be gone because you will never care,
and my silents wouldnt matter.

the scene of her message that light up your phone,
will probably be the light to your life.
the scene of your smile that i manage to put on your face,
will probably be the last of it.
the scene of your frown that proved for i've hurt you
will probably be turn upside down.
the scene of your worry eyes when im sad,
will probably be gone.

Because there's no more love,
nothing I do would affect you anymore.
But everything between us which will be pass on to both of you,
will be a memory lane for me.






9:59 AM 0 PERMALINK

"Money is the root of all evil."


5:22 AM 0 PERMALINK

You look great.

'You look great today." 

Such easy and short sentence could change everything. 
Your day, your mood, your confidence. 

I always thought of it as 'just in the movies' situation. 
Words like this doesnt come true. 
I came across an article about people who shared about whats the best compliments they ever received in their life and that simple sentence pop out again.
It made me thought about it again, that maybe it might be true. It might actually happen.

I havent received much compliment lately from someone i love. 
It made me pounder again. 
Having hopes and expectation maybe, just maybe today is the day. 
Though i have been dressing up lately because it makes me feel good but apart of that it makes me wonder how would he think and what compliment i might receive. 
So i put on a dress did some make up and left the house. 

Not sure how to feel yet i got up the car. 
Not to my expectation I was criticed about my apperrance. 
Questioned on why i was dress this way being inappropriate for the function. 

It left me speechless. Hopes just burnt down rapidly. I was left with uncertainty. 

Just in a short seconds, my confident was gone. I felt extremely stupid for hoping that today would be the day i could actually hear it. 
Feeling insecure with my velvet black dress, cardigan and my pair of vans. I removed my thin gold necklace and chucked it in my grey mk bag. Tied up my black wavy hair. If i has make up remover i would have removed my eyeliner. Today was the first day i wore my new contacts. Made me felt so much regret i should have just left it for next month. 

Its funny how one comment could turn my life around. Questioning myself and thinking how stupid i was to actually think ive deserve a compliment like that. Ive never been affected by people, it was just him that ruined me. As he questioned about why i kept silent and being all weird made me wonder again, so people say things about you and they forget about it and think they didnt do anything to ruin you. I kept quiet. As he got down from the car grab something, the moment the door closed. I teared up and started to breakdown. I knew i couldnt because my make up is going to be tuin like my confident and i couldnt let him know. I looked up and convince myself that i was okay and he came back. 

After a long ride.. Everything just got me more speechless. 'Youre getting mad because of that?' 'Its no big deal.' Maybe i was a little too sensitive. But fuck you. 

As we reached out destination, i came across a friend of mine. 'Hey! You looked great ! Wow velvet dress.' Getting a good compliment yes. It happened. But was it a lie ? The guy which im thinking of spending my life with who also told me he love me said ive gone overboard with my outfit like a was going to pub  cant probably be a lie right ? 

I didnt get it. 'Nice contacts' again. Yet wasnt from him again. 

Maybe people we arent close with just gave compliment to make people's day that doesnt need to be the truth but just something to say. 

Yet the people we are close to will never lie to us. 

Maybe what people say doesnt matter. 

I just need to be better. 



4:56 AM 0 PERMALINK

I always came here just to vent out my feelings and i realize ive never rcorded much of my happy moments up here. Well most probably im too happy to even came a thought that i wanna write a blog post of it.

Ahhz.. I kinda regreted not posting much updates of my currently life. Its like everything pass and you dont have a chance to look it back at the days youve live.

Not saying you have to keep looking back at the past. People be like look forward for the great thigs coming. Umm.. I just like to look back at memories and belive in it for a little awhile.

Well least sum up!

Im 19. Done with my first yr.. Off to sem 5 in a few days time......
I do look foreard to it as always but its sometimes fcked up but yknow be like hope for the best.

Having my little break meeting friends, catch up, appts, chilling. Grtting some videos done..,

Editing can be pretty pain in the neck.. Lol..

Ive stop falling in love again kinda thing nyahaha most probably why this blog been so dusty.. eh-heh-heh.....

But im gonna be bac eith more and more amazing life post alright! Time to revive!!!!


2:19 AM 0 PERMALINK

We live just for paper. But if I had to choose I would choose cash over a cert.

The double life of living between studying and working.
I don't know it's pretty messed up.
Not sure which I should hold on to.
Sitting here getting instructions by lecturer, carry my haversack home next thing you know you have appointments.

Not knowing what to do next.
My mind is on my money.
Making millions.
But here I was back to reality,
I had to study for my diploma.

I dont know sometimes I just felt like letting this go.
Work hard to increase my bank account.
Rather than sitting here, getting assignments.
Getting remarks with the work I do.
I dont care about what you think,
You need to change this?
Go ahead here's my soft copy.
I just want to paint and design what I want.
It didnt matter if it sucks.
It's just a way of expressing and releasing.

But then again.
The real world.
What was I suppose to be prepared about?
Making web in the future?
I was planning on hiring people though..

Where's the details?
You're still lacking on this.
Bah.. Yeah i get it.
Look at the hours I spend on this and others.
Duh..
Not even 24 hours.

There are people who didnt understand.

I know the path I get might probably make me lose the people I know now.
But it's a good thing to know who your real friends are after all.
There are many people would laugh or think Im crazy when I'm talking about making millions.

Some people dont even earn that amount in their whole life.
I get it.
I'm logical and realistic.

But this is the truth.

It really can happen.
It's not a myth.
Its a proven fact.

And I want to walk the road my parents did.
It took them 12+ years to earn their first USDmill.
But i wanna take less than that.

Diploma or cash?

I would love to choose cash.



I didnt want to be part of a rich family status.
I want to be rich by my hardwork.
It didnt make much sense if I got to get anything I want not by my effort.

You're 19 you're still young.

Is the kinda bullshyt I hate to hear.

I wanna be young and rich.



Go on living your ordinary life.

Chao.

9:40 PM 0 PERMALINK

the sound of hope

We were told that we are still young.
We havent reached our 20s either.

19.

Caught in the middle of an adult and a kid.
There's this sweet childish side of things yet we had to start being mature about our life.

And having someone to live this life with you makes it some how more meaningful.

This life.
Every minute that passed cant never be taken back.
Yet a person could choose this moment and live it with you,
this doesn't make sense at some point.

Yet,
we bluntly enjoy every second of it.

It's been half a year and it was still happening.

The decision we make.
Even if it was just to have a meal.

Even though it was a rush meal in the silent you were craving for a sentence
or just a smile.

Didnt happen in short.
Did it make your heart sank?

But,
Im sure there was hope.
A hope for a smile.
Though it would be a awful one,


it didnt mattered.



I realise what a different it would make.
I understood the effect of reflection
and how it would taste.

It doesn't just make someone's heart flutter but it makes yours own warmth.

The hardest things in life could just be as simple as it sounds.





 Thank you for everything.

10:00 AM 0 PERMALINK

Late night crap

I was frequent questioned about my high school life. 
The people i know didnt quite understand why i could live like that.
Have i ever lived in regret over what ive done. 

Well for the some of you who dont know, 
Heres a little insight of it: Ive never really studied much,
I dont pass 80% of my subjects, Teachers never remember my name (though not too sure why they could remember my face) I hated my high school, The truth is i dont care any bit of it.
Mostly i came with answers like, Okay heres the deal, I was never fond of the chinese language, in fact i suck. I saw how stressful my sister was( i saw her cry while studying and damn the way she plead to leave that school) I hated the system. Fking memorize memorize and yeah fcking more memorize. It was hard to find people who actually likes the music i was into. I hate their style. Everyone was all into the same shyt. No charming boys. Well hey i was 13.. And yes im a girl so i do look at boys. Okay back to it. But my dad forced me into it because he thinks its a 'great school!' So what i did?
Easy, Now there was one thing called retained, You dont pass then you retained. How do you not pass? Dont study.
yeah i get scolded because of my stupidity and childish thoughts. But at that moment i was so determine.
So that was my plan, I retain. Dad gets worry. Drop me out and im off to where i want to be. So it was smooth sailing. I dont study much but i make sure i keep out of trouble i pass up my homework, copy notes, and pay attention in class. Well thats what they think. Truth was i was like an empty machine writing everything down opening my eyes and thinking about what im gonna do after i leave this place and have bunch of doodles in my text book. It happen, i didnt retained but i didnt pass either, just short of two marks. Which means i still got to stay. But dad did got worried. Agreement of leaving was done till a last minute change of plans. I stayed. I didnt have a choice. I was living under my parents it wasnt me who could voice out.
Honestly i was a child full of hate and rebellion. I always held back.
All i could do was scribble my anger on my room wall about how much i hated the school. It was the only way I could release.
In the end, I knew my principle, Whatever my parents taught me it was working.
So after plans after plans after plans. I realize i was in my last year of high school. Same shyt, passed year i didnt participate in any activity, i still fail all my subjects except English, art and pe. I passed once in my junior year. The rest, i was just jumping from one class to another.
Did i regret? Lol. I had friends awesome friends with me. I found people who had the same interest with me. I gathered them together. And we turn out to be quite an awesome team. I had fun. It was many good times.
But deep down yeah, i do regret not participating in activities, not studying to get good result because i know i could, not accepting my fame in fact i let it die, not being friendly enough to people.
But. What also made me feel like this was, I couldnt sit still for too long. I was restless. I couldnt respect my teachers. I always think whatever i was learning was bullshyt. Its not gonna really help me. I didnt want to make the effort to memorize them. My brain just wouldnt accept them. I like mathes. But i was lazy. I didnt want to practice. I hate the rules. I hate the fact that we were force into a system like freaking robots. I hate how they brainwash the kids to think this is the only way. Yea society made it this way. I hate how teachers dont respect the students who are academically weak. I hate how just because you fail in your subjects youre known as stupid, What if these kids arent failures? What if they just saw something that the other children dont? But yet they are just known as rebels. I hate how teachers use the wrong way to do it and make all the other student stay away from them. I hate it. I hate how they dont show enough care for the students. Or at least try to understand what was going through their mind. Rather than just scolding them or make them become a joke in class.
I know this because i saw it in fact i experienced it.
I had teachers who punished me, teachers who make fun of me, bullied me. But i thank them for making me learn to be ignorant to them so i will not get effected. I had teachers who walk up to me to show concern and asked me what was going on. They look out for me and make sure i was doing alright. I remember them and have respect for them.
My high school years All i ever wanted was to leave. Because i truly hated the system. I hate how they dont really make you ready for whats out there. We weren't formed.
And im grateful i wasnt poisoned or educated by them. Im thankful i didnt follow the rules.
I always felt bad with those student who did well in class. In the end they know nothing but getting good grades. They didnt know what was fun. They didnt know whats life.
You either study so hard to go for what you want or you study so hard because you dont know what else you could do.
In fact without high school they were lost. They dont know what they want in life. They dont know whats next.
Thrilling huh?
We werent taught to know.
We weren't taught about life.
Thats why i make use of my high school. Find true friends, that you cant find in society, Learn more about what i love. Get hurt by boys, but never let them know they hurt you. Every process will make your mind opened up. You dont need to go through a relationship you just need the thoughts to make you understand. And be prepared for. Go out with those friends. Know what fun is. Find what youre suppose to be in the future. Find out your purpose. Grow up mentally and emotionally.
and the thing is i realize how hard it was to retained like how ? People judge so quickly bunch of stereotypes that think you fail in your exam that means you're stupid yet they claim themselves to be educated. But till they go out there proudly with their flying colour result and cant even know how to use a simple powerpoint or know anything about the society or even anything about the media. Im a person without much words but I will hang a smile on my face and hope the best for you.
Though i drop out for my last senior year, I went for what i want. And now im studying new media. Im enjoying it. I got to learn what i like. In fact i was studying. My soul is with me in class. I make sure i get good result. And make sure i did not failed any subjects. But now passing wasnt just what im looking for. Im glad and i look forward to learn more.
And there are people out there holding their high school certificate who doesnt know what they wanna do in life.
High school was the best time to explore. And yes if i had a choice to change it, I rather not.

And here's a little insight about my previous high school if you didnt read this post : http://rpyit.blogspot.com/2012/02/dont-go-to-space.html

9:55 PM 1 PERMALINK